here ya go stephen...

:Body:-blondes need not apply...Redheads or Brunettes only. I prefer longer hair, but hey, that's not a picky subject...** well, i've been blonde, red head, and brunette, currently residing in brunette with natural red highlights (yes, i've stopped dying my hair and have my natural color back) but my long hair has chopped off due to navy regulations and boot camp requirements-A girl that's shorter or equal height of me**i definitely fit that description being 4'3 3/4"-somebody that's small enough for my scrawny ass to be able to lift off th'ground**yep, that's me although i have gained 30 lbs. (still can't see it) and now weigh a glorious and healthy 120 lbs.-I want a girl with a figure...i don't have one, so she needs to make up for that**32-24-33:Must:-Dance...if not be good at it then at least be able to learn**well, i'm not really GOOD at dancing but i love to embarrass myself by trying to do so-Is just as much of a dork as i am in regards to wrestling, tv shows, cartoons, and super-heroes**wrestling: HBK, sable bomb, lita, and stone coldtv shows: that 70's show, smallville, angel, gilmore girls, and 7th heavencartoons: X-MEN!!!! old and new, disney movies and dragonballzsuperheroes: SUPERMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and gambit. -Be just as much of an exhibitionist as i am...i'm willin' to show affection anywhere, anytime, any place...i'd expect m'girl to reciprocate that...hell, beat me at m'own game for all i care....** no, sorry. out in public, not my thing. but in a room or someone's house that doesn't mind it or with a close group of friends made up primarily of other couples, can't get enough of it. i have some self-respect and decency-Someone that not only wants my affection, but will demand it if for some reason i'm not giving it** oh yeah, that's me. hell i do that to ya even though we are not dating.-Somebody smart enough to put me in my place, but not such a fuckin' genious i feel like the idiot i have a tendency to be**ummm...i'm smart, i do put you and anyone else in their place, but i might have that tendency to use big words and show off my considerable amount of knowledge that nobody but me really seems to care for.-roughhouse...i'm training to be a Martial-Artist, i want a good sparrin' match, now there's foreplay for you..and rest assured, i'm never going to hurt you....it's not who i am...if i'm gettin' too rough (yeah right, but it could happen i guess), let me know and th'game stops**i'm all for rough-housing. i'll find a way to dominate you, if not in a match...there's other places that my "talents" are unmatchable. *flirty giggle*-Be willin' to let me have what you have...i have no interest in guys, but if m'girl wants to be with a girl, i get to be right there...**if i'm with a guy i'm with that guy, if i'm with a girl, i'm with that girl. relationships are sacred to me and i'm very much a patron for monogamy. i once had a threesome and my boyfriend cheated on me with that girl several times afterwards. so no, i'm not into that. Need Not Apply-Love Massages (Giving and receiving)**i love the love message game...letters, poems, errotic short stories...love it...yes, giving and receiving-Be able to tell me if there's something you want me to do that i'm not doing...i will try as hard as i can, but i'm empathic, not psychic...** yeah, i do that-Like to be Bit...and like to bite back**hehehe: it's absolutely necessary-Leave if i disobey what i call the "Primary Rule"...i will never EVER lay my hand on a woman in anger....but if i ever do...accident or no...leave...no questions..no arguements...just leave...because if i ever do it i could do it again, and you deserve better than that, i don't care who you are, you deserve better...a woman is to be touched, kissed, held, loved, never...EVER....to be hit...**already been in one relationship where the guy left more bruises than hickeys...never again...yeah, i'll leave after i kick your @ss.:Must not:-Smoke**nope-Drink...'least no more than i do**might have a problem there-Do drugs of any kind**no way!!!!-Mind th'fact that i'm a male..i'm gonna look....that don't fuckin' mean that i'm gonna leave....i'm one of th'most loyal motherfuckers on th'planet, but i'm gonna look**hell, i'll look with 'ya.-Try to stand in th'way of my relationship with my friends...i've lived most of m'life without 'em i'm not lettin' 'em go...**no, i never come between friendships intentionally. :Sexual Requirements:-Understand that a woman that is more experienced than me TERRIFIES THE SHIT out of me...i'm in no way confident in my "sexual abilities"...either instruct me, or trick me into thinking that i'm doin' a good job**i'm an expert at faking orgasms by now, don't worry...i can't say i'm experienced enough to be teacher qualified, contrary to popular belief, i haven't been with that many guys. for me....candlewax, you can never go wrong with candlewax.-The fact that i'm an exhibitionist means that i get off on doing "naughty things" in public areas...help me find places that i haven't tried before, and help me find ways for us to have fun while we're theresorry, darling, the whole self-respect thing. i lost my virginity in a park, since then, i've been too ashamed to do anything out in the open. -Games/toys/role-playin' can be a lot of fun...my perfect woman knows this...** hehehe* i would blush if i had it in me to be ashamed of my little fetishes. :Random Bonuses...:-You have to understand that if we're in a party with a lot of blacklight, i'm going to paint my face and possibly at least one arm with highlighters or other various things to glow in the dark...my ultimate woman will not only accept this, but will help me pick out colors so that i mix well**yep, then you have to paint mine up too.-I dance..a lot...and find it extremely romantic to dance in the rain..not only is it sexy (a wet female, always a plus) but a light rain can feel like a thousand kisses all over your body...and rest assured that i will be more than happy to add to that number...**dancing in the rain is the most romantic thing a couple can do. however, it's been spoiled for me. A very special memory resides in my heart therefore i will never dance in the rain with anyone other than him.-As proof of the "dorkiness" that i exhibit with a great many of my interests...be prepared that i'm gonna talk...alot...about tv shows and such...my perfect girl will be talkin' back with me 'bout 'em all...if y'dont' agree w/some of my char.'s, then be prepared to tell me who's better...**Superman Is Better than Spiderman (and Batman)...don't get me started on batman, all he is a man with a good heart, good intentions and enough money to buy interesting lil gadgets. no way is he a superhero. superhero are those with powers beyone average human abilities. having more money than sense, i'm sorry is an average trait among rich people. and spiderman c'mon! how can a man who's been bit by a radioactive spider even begin to compart to my precious superman. ooh ahhh he slings slimy string from his wrists. superman can shoot fire from his eyes! spider boy can scale up any wall, superman can fly! not to mention, he can just pick up the damn building if he doesn't want just leap over it. spiderboy can lift 10 times his weight. superman can flick him and knock him through ten walls. superman is awesome !!!-Be prepared to deal with all of my lil' "personalities"...Me, Angelus, and Nemo...how y'deal w/'em is up to you, but don't treat me like a kid for games that i'm never gonna stop playin'...** i love you, i enjoy pissing angelus off, and i adore Nemo and love that there is always someone who will need me to mother and protect them.

it's me again...

AMANDA: yes, i do take a peek from time to time. i don't want to fight you for or over dan. not right now, anyways. j/k. i don't hold grudges- except against archie, but that's a well-deserved grudge, dare anyone to argue against it. you're still a friend in my book, especially since you're giving me credit as the better dancer.dan and i are doing well where we are. we are able to tackle issue as friends that we failed at pretending didn't exist as a couple. i'm not going to say of dan and i that "we're just friends" because of what that phrase means to me now (yes, another archie reference). but i never LOST hime so there really isn't anything to hold against you. AMBER: i love you. i hope that's enough to get you through all these rough winds knocking you around lately. i'm still here for you. always.STEPHEN: of course i love you too! do you feel like you've been extricated from "the group" too? i just found out that someone tried taking my old nickname of "cookie." yes, i detest that name even if it was dear ole kracker that gave it to me, but it is still mine. the rules are explicitly clear, nobody can take up the name of a former group member. i feel, not just forgotten, but with that "old news" feeling. i have one more person to address. one person whom i know will not receive it, but i have to try. KAT: i am sorry. i never meant to lose you completely, it's all my fault and i'm sorry for all the pain i caused you. i did love you and i still to this day harbor very strong feelings for you in my heart. i miss you so much and i was actually happy to see you that night that i called out to you from my mom's house. it tore me up that you wouldn't even acknowledge my presence. but i couldn't be angry at you. it's all my fault, i did this to us. i'm very sorry.##########################alright-y enough humbleness for one night, ready to transform back to my ice-hearted self. have a big test tomorrow. should be sleeping. oh well, not worried. i miss all y'guys. well, here's what's appearing in my crystal ball... graduating A school Oct 22. i'll move to yorktown, VA that night. then i'll start my C school on my birthday. i'll graduate that school June 25. then i'll move to charleston SC until 28JUL07 then i dunno where they'll place me for a year cuz i'm out 21APR08!!! considering how fast this year is going, it actually doesn't seem that long away. i doubt too many of y'all care, but there's the itenarary for my career.see all y'all on the flip side,~red aka gypsy

hey out there, can anyone here me?

why is chris avoiding me? i'm hearing it's because of link, link-y-poo, you wouldn't be giving our dear lil chris over there an ultimatum are you? i didn't think you were that type of person. but that's what i'm being told. SEVEN MORE DAYS, AND I'LL BE HOME!!! can't wait!! went and saw freddy vs jason monday night. awesome movie (big freddy fan for those who don't know)! i want to go see american wedding but i'm broke. stay that way nowadays. i made so much $$$ as a civilian. now, uh-uh. at least i get free housing, electricity, water, and discounts on about everything. it's almost worth it. nah, i'm not doing too shabby at all. this is a lot of fun. i would try recruiting all 'ya but i honestly don't think you could handle boot camp, i was barely able to m'self and i'm among the stronger ones of the group, if i do say so m'self. besides, if i never joined the navy i'd still be with dan. you lose almost everyone when you put everything on hold to pursue your dreams. (even though that person told you to go)therapy has been helping a lot. i've been a lot happier lately. i still get upset thinking of my ex but i'm almost through with my grieving process. my doc had me write him a letter, it was 18 pages long! i'll never send it, but with his help, i was able to see things that i never did before. like the fact it should have been over the night he tried committing suicide at crystal's house after dropping me off on our first date and going there to plead to get her back. yeah...i changed that night but i'm back to being me. maybe i'll send it to amanda instead...just kidding. the kiddo has to learn for herself, and i have to let her and just be there for her whether she fails or succeeds, right? that would be something of true friendship, eh? her and my ex-fiancee walk down the aisle and i'm there to try catching the bouquet. that would really be ironic.i haven't talked to crystal in almost two weeks, i miss her so much but i'm afraid to call her now. she's not very forgiving. i just got my house phone turned on so now i can call her. i'm proud of m'self. haven't talked to daniel since he and i fought, been a couple of weeks. a few doc visits at the mental ward and half a bottle of antidepressants later and i'm fine, or as close as could be considering how in love with him i've been and how hard i fought for him. i just don't want to fight for him anymore, i may be making the same mistake that stephen made with me, but i think the big mistake occurred a long time ago. karma...i swear if i ever catch her walking down the street, i'm gonna jack her up. if she happens to walking with fate, that's even better. two for one. i say that because amanda did to me what i did to crystal. now i have to be as big of a person as crystal was and forgive her, at least for my sake. atop of that, it's paying me back for a mistake i made a long time ago. had to do with a red headed kim and smooth-talker named lonnie. i was 16, he was 22. sounds familiar huh? kim thought she had him and didn't even see me coming until lonnie took me on a date and didn't even bother to call her and cancel their's. see, i'm really not a nice person. anyway, karma is part of my belief as a buddhist. i have to accept my punishment, learn my lesson, and never make the same mistake again or the next lesson will be even more harsh. so i'll be okay. i have my faith and i'll pick up my head and trudge on even if there is nobody beside me to talk to along the way. i don't need anybody but my family and my best friends anyway. and they'll never leave me (if they would, they'd have done it by now. wouldn't you stephen and amber?) anyway, i'm gonna go now, think i've b!tched enough. love you guys.~Red

today was harsh...

well, i took my test today. it was so hard! i made a 72.9%!!! i couldn't believe it, but considering i missed three out of five lectures, i guess it's just a good thing i passed.i also went to see my psychologist today. he's such a nice guy. he did a psychoanalysis on me and we discovered i'm four points shy from being manic depressive. i go back next week for bi-polar analysis. i always knew i was f*cked in the head, this just proves it. my stress level is skyrocketing though. i have been having muscle spasms in my stomach, a headache that's been attacking me since last wednesday, and i have an ulcer. i'm 18 yrs old and i have an ulcer! so many things are going wrong and i can't fix them. and it's not just dan but my family, stephen, and my secret. i have a lot on my plate, anyone hungry? but i guess there are a few good things going on too. i can't think of any right now but i'm sure they're there. my secret could be considered good but it's still stressful. wanna know something weird? not only do i see the psycho doc twice a week but now i have not one but two different group therapy sessions i have to attend every week. one is to learn to relax and the other is to learn how to behave! nah... he says i have a reliance and dependecy issue where i feel like if everything isn't perfect it's my fault, or i have to fix it. also i have an anxiety control, or lack thereof i have to deal with. the thing that really scares me is that he wants me to bring him some things i've written recently. y'all wanna see?Only No Tears Appear Once alive, my heart did thrive;love at some point had a place. Now since bitten, my heart's been ridden;i've lost love, now life, no trace. Tears of dust, only instinct i trust;a burden much easier, pleasure to bear. A pact with the devil, in comfort i revel;for i am the heartless, darkness my lair.~stacey michelle****************************************************************MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, DEAR?I HATE WHO I AM THESE DAYS.I WAS LOSING ME, USING YOU TO FILL THE SPACE.I NEVER DID FIND THAT SENSE OF PEACE.THE LESSON WAS HARD TO LEARN,BUT EASY TO TEACH.I'M A STRANGER WITHIN MY OWN SKIN.IT'S ONLY LOSS THAT I FIND MYSELF IN.LOOK WHAT WAS SACRIFICED FOR YOU.WHEN HOPE IS GONE, FAITH'S A SORE VIEW.~STACEY MICHELLE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~FrankensteinI only wanted you to love me, do i still not deserve it after all this time? Do you realize, in my mission to obtain your love and your acceptance, I've lost everything that could tempt you to fall in love with me? Now I'm an object of attraction and lust to others but it makes me sick. They don't want me. They want this entity, this mutation of the real me. This creation you've made but take no pride in. Dr. Frankenstien. Close, but not quite. Though I am nothing more than an accident. You do try to hide from me, and I do wish for nothing more than your acceptance of the person you've made me. Every man who loves me from here on out will love your monster. Your creature of shame and rejection.~Stacey Michelle+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Please Love Me In ReturnI'll be there for you as you smile,I'll be there for you as you cry.I'll appreciate you when you're honest,I'll forgive you when you must lie.Every morning you'll awake beside me,At night you'll never wonder where i might be.I'll help build our world beside you,And lay it out before your feet.~Stacey Michelle###################################################################just keep telling yourself that....it's just one more goodbye, and what's one more goodbye when i've said it all my life? it's just one my heart ache, and what's one more heartache when i've felt it all my life? it's just one more tear drop, and what's one more tear drop, when i've cried them all my life? it's just one lonely night, and what's one more lonely night when i've faced them all my life? it's one more, not the first, not the last. merely one more.~stacey michelle^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^what'ch'ya think?~red

update...

well...corpschool is great! i'm doing quite well and i'll be graduating 10 Oct 03. things go by so fast up here that that's not very far away. then i'll be going to yorktown, VA for my c school in optomotry for six months. then i'm going to charleston. neurology wasn't an option but i figured that i could make good money as an optrician and then use the money from my montogomery g.i. bill to put me through med school so i can achieve my dream of being a world-famous neurologist. as for amanda and dan. i would hate dan if i didn't love him so much. he knew i knew he still lied to me about his feelings for amanda, why? he could've better prepared me. and i know he has no respect for me. i asked him not to date her, maybe it was wrong of me, but of all the beautiful, witty, intelligent girls there are down there why did he have to go after a girl best friend loves, and someone that i adored as well? why couldn't he just stay the fuck away from girls i care about? perhaps this make no sense to any of you. amanda,i don't want us to feud and fight. even though you have betrayed me, and don't even deny, i am one to forgive nearly everyone. i am tired of losing people over dan ,and i am upset at your decisions as of late, but i don't want to lose you completely. so if you ever need to talk, even if it's about dan, come to me. hell! i am probably THE person to go to when it comes to him. i won't steer you wrong, i never have, and i am above that. besides, as a child i loved him. after all i've been through in bootcamp i knew, as an adult, i need to look elsewhere. dan's my prince charming but he's not my mr. right. that goes for all of you. just because i'm all the way up here doesn't mean i can't still help you guys.now what....i'm going home for labor day weekend! oh could someone (amanda) pass it on to dan that i need to get all my stuff from his house and his storage compartment. i'll probably do that sunday evening. just let me get everything that belongs to me then he can be through with me forever.love all of you guys,~redoh! almost forgot... my phone got cut off and it won't be turned back on until the 29th so if you want to get ahold of me my email addy is still the same.

In Case You're Wondering

Out of boot-campLove Corp SchoolLove StephenLove CrystalLove my MommyLove Jessi WootenLove DanNot so much love for AmandaStill no love for ArchieAnd Love All The Rest Of You GuysWould LOVE to Hear From All Of You So Here's My Cell Phone Number224-619-6414~Red

Wow!

i leave tomorrow to go on my road trip with dan. i won't be back until sunday in which i'll spend the day with the fam.but there are a few things i want to say before i leave.I love you guys and gals. I will miss all of 'ya. i have most of your addresses and i will write and write and write and write and write. those i don't have addresses from i will get them from those i do have them from. Anyways onward...~CHRIS~ i know you don't read this but i want to say i'm sorry that you had to buy another plane ticket. i wish you wouldn't go, if that means anything, but i do understand that sometimes you just need a fresh start. i'm going to miss talking to you on our unique psychodelic level, you are a great friend and i hope never to lose that.~MIRANDA~ i have been trying and trying to get a hold of you, obviously to no avail. tomorrow and sunday will be the last opportunities to get online so if you could, email me at rojobonita@tellmeimcute.com and tell me what the hell is going on. i must admit, my curiousity is peaked and the suspense is killing me.~AMANDA~ take care of our sweetheart. i hate having to leave him behind to do this but my only solace is he won't be alone and i am returning. you'll have to play two parts in this act and i hope its not too much pressure but don't get comfortable in my place because i will be back to reclaim it.~MATT~ i miss you. hope to see you later, don't forget about me.~AMBER~ we did it! a whole year without fighting! it took us, what?, four, almost five years, but we did it! i love ya honey, take care.~MELISSA~ sorry you're having a difficult time finding your place in this world. Just remember, your true friends are going to love you through the bad as well as the good. i may not be able to show up whenever you need to talk, but i'm just a postage stamp away. i'll write 'ya and give you my addy so anytime you need me, i can stil be there for you. prep, freak, goth, punk, hippie, i'll always consider you my friend missy. always.~HEATHER~ i hope you have a fairytale prom night. sorry i couldn't help you much in that department. i tried. ~ARCHIE~ happy birthday... i don't want to be mean and hateful. i don't want to fuel the fire. i said i'd leave you alone but even a bum on the street deserves the slightest bit of human courtesy.~STEPHEN~ take care of everybody while i'm gone. i love you and once i get back we'll go back to platinum together. in the mean time, dan is a lot of fun and i really think it's a good idea for you two to hang out. i told you he wasn't a bad guy. and if we do wind up permanently united, it's a good idea for the husband and best friend to get along. Thanks for at least trying, i love you dearly.i suppose that's it. i miss everyone already. love ya all~red

A lot has changed...

I don't even know where to begin... I am going into the Navy, before everyone gets all teary eyed, I'll only be gone 6 months. Long enough to miss all of you too much. I'm leaving on the 21st of April.Yes, Chris and I broke up. I think he'll agree it felt more like a friendship than much else. But I am "dating" Daniel Murphy yet again...the man loves me as I do him. He's even saying he'll wait for me when I leave to pursue my dream. Have faith in us. Dan and I are going on a road trip from the 16th to the 20th. We're going to TN to go to Gatlinburg, KT so I can meet his father, and OH to see my older sis and visit Yellow Springs (a place that is still living in the 60's).Dan grew up in Yellow Springs which explains a lot about him. And I'm getting my tattoo! It's going on the lower part of my back and it'll be of a faerie. This trip is going to be so fun. Between working and spending every waking moment with Dan and Jessica Wooten, I haven't had much time to get on my journal or spend time with all of you. I'm sorry for that. especially you angel. But I hope to see all of you before I leave.Well, I wish I could say more but that's all there is.OH! Everyone needs to lay of Melissa. Let her go. It's best for her.Love Always,Red

I GOT TH...

I GOT THE JOB! YAY!!!!!! I start Monday at Z3 Graphics and I'll get paid $8.00 an hour to play with stickers for 9.5 hours five days a week! I'll work from 7:30 a.m. to 5:00p.m. THAT'S NOT EVEN THE BEST PART! My new boss, the man is a gift from God, also has a friend who is a lawyer and for 5 hours every friday I can go work in his office answering the phone and filing papers so I can get an idea of what an attorney's job is like. And he's going to pay me $7.50 an hour to do that. I am so estatic! Finally, things are falling in place.

well, i tri...

well, i tried to apply for a job today at Z3 Graphics, where my bro works. I don't think I got it. I didn't really put myself on the application. Then when I got an interview the man and his wife, a retired career counselor, started mulling over other options that would get me closer to my field neurology or law. I appreciate their efforts but I Need A Job Now! And a degree is not going to just fall in my lap. I need a good job to help me afford college and support myself. I don't want to flip burgers hoping that little $800 a month will get me somewhere because I know it won't. But i'm not going to fret too much. I'm a very intelligent person that has a lot of potential. If Z3 Graphics either doesn't recognize that or decides to overlook, it's their loss and another companies gain. I'm probably more Pissed Off because I had to wake up at 7:30 this morning For Apparently Nothing! I'm going to end up back at Ryan's ...blagh...grumble grumble. anywho....Archie, whatever makes you happy babe. My resentment toward Matt is based on the fact that for a while he wasn't doing that. But if he's willing to now, then everyone deserves as many chances as they can get as long as they are trying to improve themselves. I just hope it's not because you felt guilty for breaking up with him or that you're afraid of starting over again. If it's for any reason other than you're so in love with him that your happiness is based soley on his presence in your life and you know the two of you can work things out then you're making a mistake. Just remember, one of two things are going to happen now. He will either be so afraid that you'll walk out on him and next time there will be no second chances which will encourage him to be the man you know and love. Or he will figure you came back once you'll keep doing it and he'll treat you like shit. He'll play on your guilt, on your "coldness" for ditching him, or he'll take advantage of your kind, forgiving heart. Just be careful...the ball is in your court, don't give it up.Amanda: I love you girl. Reassure that bum we both know and love that he's not mentally ill...white lies never hurt anything.(J/K) He's really afraid of himself on this one. But he really is okay. Everyone has sick, twisted fantasies...but that's not what makes them sick. The morbid thing is acting on those fantasies. what he did was only rp so it was okay, it could actually be considered healthy for him to do it. It's getting it out of his system so he won't go off the deep end. RP is the closest he can get to actually doing it without hurting anyone...don't think I wasn't shocked though. However, I know angel would never hurt anyone, especially me.Erika...come out, come out, wherever you are.Anne: don't upset for what angel did. I know you have issues with the whole ordeal because of some past experiences but I assure I wouldn't be best friends with someone who in any way resembled Tommy Douglas.

For Jess... Unbare

With much faith and more hopeYou'll ascend from the voidTo this place where your dreams Can survive.With some time you will heal,And your scars won't appear,Then your heart will just learnHow to hide.But it will be there, Unbare.~RedSorry I didn't call 'ya today, I feel awful for it, but I've been sick today. *************************************************Amanda, I hope your not upset about mine and Angel's entries, it was all rp and for shock and fun. Sorry if it offended you and we'll behave. *whimper* I guess that didn't help my case too much in the whole "you have nothing to worry about" thing but it was just role-playing dear. I love you!

Well, l...

Well, life has been going on in its usually pattern. The sun still rises in the east and sets in the west as gravity continues to take its toll on my feet.I realize I live two different lives. There's my safe and innocent one where I have my Angel, and my darling boyfriend. And I can dream and dream and be perfectly content.Then there is the life that I have to wake up to every morning that consists of problems I actually don't know the answers to. That's it, I'm grabbing my blanket and going back to sleep.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I'm usually one who doesn't care what people think about me but it occurred to me today that maybe I should at least know whether I care or not. But then I'm almost afraid of what the answer would be. Not as in would it be what I want to hear as much as would it be completely honest. I don't know.All that I'm sure of is that I am me and like this person for the most part. To hell with whether everyone else does or not.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I finally went out to the club last night. It was quite interesting for the most part. I saw LaTara up there and I couldn't believe my eyes. My sweet, mild-mannered, Tara was being as wild and loose as...yeah. I also saw Katie O'neil up there and it brought back a lot of memories. Unfortunately for me though, I was with Archie and seeing as how she and Katie despise one another...I didn't get much time for reminiscing. But up until the end, Katie was probably best described as the girl of my dreams. But then she visciously turned on me and I have no idea why. Still, when I saw her last night, I didn't see the girl who talked bad about me and would intentionally push all my buttons, but the girl who would curl up beside me and tell me her problems, fears, and secrets, knowing they and herself were completely safe with me. Katie meant a lot to me and I want so much to dislike her for the way she did me, but it's impossible. I loved Katie and I can't hate her for any reason. However, I do realize nothing will change between us. Even if she is over whatever she was pissed off at me for to begin with, we could never go back to being those two girls who never held back anything from eachother. I just really miss her; hell, I miss having that kind of connection with any girl.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Speaking of Luscious Lesbian Lovers... has anybody heard the band T.A.T.u's c.d.? They're two Russian Lesbians that publicly announces through their lyrics their love for eachother. They're awesome and I'm in love. Hehehe. Of course, I love anybody that openly defies society like that.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~okay i'm through. love 'ya guys.~Red

This Promise

She said "I love him."He said "you don't."He said "break up with him."She said "I won't!"He said "you're a silly girl,Puppy love is all you feel."She said "no dad, Can you not see this is real?"Going round and round in circles,Lighting anger's candle wick.He wants more for his little girlBut her love is just too thick.With tears and a phonecallKnowing everything at stake,He swore unto his dear loveSomething her dad couldn't take...This promise:You stay, Alright.You say go and I'll fight.You say I'm not worth itI will fade out of your life.No matter what we're facingWe'll be locked together hand in hand.I'll never break your heart,Why can't he understand?She was too young for this, A baby in her womb.And he wasn't ready yet,His life had not the room.But he knew in his heart It was her choice to make,And he would support itFor their future's sake.She said abort it,And he said okay.She truely hopes for children,Just not today.Later when she wondersIf she should have let it live,He'll offer her the only thingThat could make the difference...This promise:Us together, no regrets.Many lessons, I'll respect.Everyday demands decisionsRegarding life and death.Whatever you go through,You won't have to face alone.I'll be by your sideLighting your way with my love.He said "I'm sorry."She asked "for what?""You've always been too wild,I deserve what I got.No one can tame you,God knows I tried.But for two years you've hurt me,For two years I've cried."He said "I love you."She said "please don't.""Let me be with someoneWho can give what I want."And even though it killed himHe had to let her leave,But before she could walk out,He made his final plea...This promise:I've made mistakes, a lot,But you are all I've got.You walk out there doorYou'll be walking with my heart.I know how much I'm losingAnd I know why you must leave,But you'll never live a daynot completely loved by me.Distance and time couldn't be great enought to lose you.I'll be in your heart, if not your mind.Memories don't fade, they just get buried.I don't know how to say I love you,But I'll try.When you're sad, I'll cryWhen you're happy, I'll smileWhen you're exhausted, I will walk a hundred miles.This feeling is overwhelmingBut of this I'm so sure of,Nobody could walk this earthWith more desire to know your love.Two years after their byesShe made a call.She was praying for hopeBut recieved none at all.For the one she loved so much,The one she could not forget,Was getting married to anotherAnd she could not handle it.She asked "Why not me?"He said "We've tried.I will love you alwaysBut I have a bright new life.""Everybody move on."It was a truth they both knew."But there is something she can't haveFor it's sole owner is you."This promise:When I fell, you cared.When I got lost, you were there.You loved me throughout everythingWhile I was too damn scared.I know that you're hurtingAnd maybe this will help.You never needed meYou were always the hero for yourself.This world is too big.The pains are in plenty.The traps are well hidden,But still there are many.Love is a deep holeThat everyone falls in,And tears are shed for lossesThat will be faced again.Her mother saw her heartAnd the anger that it felt.Love had been unkindto one so faithful unto it.If hope can cease to exist In one that is so young,Then what can revive herFrom the damange that's been done?This promise:Broken hearts do mend.They're pieced together to give againJust to be re-brokenas the cycle never ends.It's better to have loved and lostthan to never have loved at all.The pain will be in vainuntil you find the promising fall....By Stacey NalleyInspired by: Amanda Pruitt and Stephen DeCamp Jessica Archie and Matthew Pridmore Daniel Murphy and Crystal Parker Christopher Sprayberry James Phillips Lisa Nalley and myselfWritten: December 30, 2002 12:46 a.m.********************************************************What'cha think? Good enough to send in to a recording studio or still too lame? Maybe if I can make money off my songs I won't have to go into the military to pay for college. *sigh* a dreamer's dream, dreamt away on a stream of faded dreams. Like I always say: wishes are wasted on candle and stars.anyway...feedback people.~Red

Your Heart is Re...

Your Heart is Red What Color is Your Heart? brought to you by Quizillahehehehe. survey says?....eeehhhhcongratulations. you are the kiss my ass happybunny. You don't care about anyone or anything.You must be so proud which happy bunny are you? brought to you by Quizillai hate being stereotyped but that's pretty flippin accurate!You are the Figher Femme Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You? brought to you by Quizillasee? now i know why the shy ones won't speak up and the loud ones want to dominate me?peaches--you like fuzzy things you especially liketo explore them with your mouth What's your stripper name? (female) brought to you by Quizillahaha! I'm sorry this one is just too true not to put up here!

Hi, i'm louisa

I'M JUST HERE TO INTRODUCE MYSELF BECAUSE I THINK EVERYONE HAS THE WRONG IDEA OF ME. as most of you know my name is louisa Mercedes Nalley. i live mainly in stacey's head and my mission in life is to drive her crazy. i believe my purpose is to serve as her comedy relief and her sanity. as all of you know, stacey can get into a panic quite easily so i have to calm her down. stacey also has a really bad temper that i keep in check for her. she has made me out to be some kind of immature dumb-blond, but that's not me. i admit i am kinda innocent. stacey knows a lot more about life than i do. our differences...well...stacey is a freak and i'm not. her fav color is red and mine is blue (which she hates). she loves country and punk rock music. i like mostly pop music. she's into long haired shaggy guys and i don't even think about them. now there's a funny twist to me and stacey. she seems to think this wild girl that comes out every now and then is me...it's not. she thinks while she was with dan, i'd appear, nope...not me. don't jump to conclusions there's not a third girl in here. no...i think it's a guy. i'm not sure though. there's some parts of stacey's mind that was off-limits to me when i arrived but studying her, i'm pretty sure of it. i think stacey has a guy living in her head. he's wild and he's mean. but then again, it could just be stacey. she's kinda...boyish. but like i said, i can't go exploring to find out. stacey laughs everytime i ask her what she thinks. she says she would know, but i'm not sure. oh! it's not that i hate stacey, i am afraid of what she's going to do to us. she's stubborn and yet too gentle. she believes in everybody but doesn't trust in anyone. she hates drama and stress and yet refuses to get rid of the components that cause the drama and stress. but i actually love the gal and i worry about her so much. it seems as if i'm the only one that does. i'll be honest. i don't like any of you. you're not good friends to her. but she doesn't need any of you, she has me and that's enough.

drama vol 2

archie: i'm not mad at you, i just don't like the situation. i have to figure out how to approach things now. i've always stayed away from your love interests because i don't want to compete with you, i'm not into that petty bs. i will call you and talk to you once i know where i stand. don't worry, dear, first and foremost, i'm YOUR friend.i don't know how much time i have here. i may move to ohio. mom and the family are unbearable and everywhere i turn there's drama. maybe a clean slate will do me a lot of good. people really fuckin suck. you try being a good friend, a decent person, a moral citizen, and you get ass raped.

Sexy-like Vamp...

Sexy-like Vampire What type of vampire are you? brought to you by Quizillaummm...DUH! what gave it away, really? you can call me the human tire swing. *he he*YOu like to be everywhere at once. You like todance and sing wiht everyone. you like to skipand sing and be happy its very important toyou. Your a spring fairy. What kind of fairy are you? brought to you by Quizillaawww... ize so cute, dimple dimple.

drama volume one

well...first off, I MISS MY BOYFRIEND!!! now, i finally was told what i needed to know about archie and dan. archie: you and i have never fought over a guy and i hold that as being very unique between the two of us. we both love dan but he will not be the one we destroy eachother over. i refuse! if dan decides he wants a third shot with you, you will not have to worry about me. i value our friendship, but i do have to figure out how i'm going to handle and deal with all of this.dan: i don't want to ruin my relationship with chris over anything stupid. you and i had a chance and it got blown clear out of the water. i want to be your friend and a good one at that, but as for a different kind of future...i doubt it. i love you, and you know that, but i don't think i can look at you the same way. tonight kind of drenched that.chris: you swept me off my feet and cared about me the way i always wanted. you don't spoil me, try to take me out to fancy shmancy resturants, that's not what i want anyway. you write me poems and let me read your palms, you just cuddle beside me and i love that more than i ever could love a fillet minon. i haven't been the fairest to you and i am sorry for that (litterally) but it wasn't until tonight that i realized how lucky i am. thank you.stephen: I REALLY NEED MY BESTEST FRIEND RIGHT NOW...please don't let anything ruin my chances for being there saturday. i have to talk to you about all the stuff plaguing my mind.nimue: love 'ya honey!erika: hey-ya dear! what would you do if one of your dearest friends admitted that she cared about a guy that you still love even though they dated years ago and you're trying to get over him?

i love you guys

thanks for all the advice with the james subject, it's difficult to get over him but i never honestly tried. i don't think i'll go to the wedding, i have had nightmares about it. i'm sorry i unloaded about all that, half of it was just pulled straight from the sub-conscience and i didn't even know it. i care about chris and i'm not losing that due to basic stupidity so angel, you don't need to worry about me. don't forget , i'm the strong one, but it's because of you guys that i am. i draw my stength directly from all of you. on a lighter note, i finally got to talk to my girl, archie, today. i was feeling kinda bummed because she didn't try getting a hold of me and i was wondering if i was on her black list again ( anyone who knows our relationship will understand why i'd be worried). it just felt really good to talk to her again. i miss her lots. dan asked me something today that was kinda puzzling, i won't go into detail here. my friends, i don't ask much from any of you, but please lay off the "hate dan" band wagon for awhile. dan is going through a lot and i want to be there for him but everytime i try getting advice on how to help him, i get the whole " you shouldn't even be giving him the time of day" routine. i help people, all people. and i would never tell daniel ray murphy to " get lost " as everyone seems to put it. so please please please stop.oh! erika, i don't think you're stalking me, and thanks for your input, i'll definitely consider all you say. and i don't mind how long your comments get, mine can get rediculously long. but i enjoy reading others comments and opinions so feel free to respong to anything.well, thanks everyone, just another reminder of how lucky i am for having friends like y'all.~red

-Perfect- You'...

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Whichmeans you're rare or that you cheated :P You'rethe kind of chick that can hang out with yourboyfriend's friends and be silly. You don'tcare about presents or about going to fancyplaced. Hell, just hang out. You're just happybeing around your boyfriend. What Kind of Girlfriend Are You? brought to you by QuizillaBadger What Is Your Animal Personality? brought to you by Quizilla

well, yet another day of life

today was boring. but i had to think of james too much. james kristoffer phillips, the love of my short life. i can't bear the fact that he's getting married next month. the thing i hate most is he doesn't love her, well he does because they've grown up together (they're dads are best friends). but they're getting pressured to go through with their parents' wishes. he's getting married, he's getting married, he's get-...'ya know, it doesn't matter how many times i tell myself this, it doesn't seem real. james even told me that he knows it should be me. it SHOULD be me, but it IS her. maybe, once i hear that he has gone through with it and i can't deny it anymore, it will click inside my demented head that he's gone. i love him so much, and i am afraid that facing that fact would be like us breaking up all over again. do you know how hard it is to love one person unconditionally and yet try to give your heart and love to other people? it's funny, i'm never free of the pain, everytime i'm with a new guy i feel like i'm cheating on james, even after four years, yet he's the one getting married! i have to let him go though, for my own mental stability i have to free myself of his power over me. i'm not sure i'm strong or brave enough to do that. without my love for james consuming me, what would i have, what would i be leaving myself open for? i always thought that if i found boyfriends who are so great to me like matt, zach, stephen, dan then i cold get over him or at least forget about him. but it doesn't work like that. i emotionally detatch myself from them and i lie. yes, everytime i say i love you i'm really saying " i love james, but you're distracting me from thinking of him right now and i really appreciate that." (that's with the exception of stephen and dan whom i love as friends.) four years people, that's a long time to be pining for a lost cause. but hopefully, i will find freedom next month. maybe i can convince myself to actually attend that wedding, afterall dawn was a very good friend of mine. maybe seeing the ceremony would shock me into healing. if only it were that simple. that's why i'm glad i'm with chris. he's not rushing into anything, he wants us to take our time, as do i. i don't have to hear "i love you" and feel rotten for either saying it back or not being able to. chris is a great guy, i don't deserve him. he deserves someone who can keep their shit together. i deserve...peace. that's why i almost got married, i thought if i had a ring on my finger then i could be free from james and the whole cycle of pain that comes with dating and love. see, stephen, you never could understand my bitterness on love. i hope you and her don't ever have to live with the pain and loss i bathe in daily. chris, i wish you could see i'm not perfect. i hope you have the patience and tolerance to deal with me until i can get through this with my ex. i hope you know that as angry as i am at james and myself for the way i feel about him, i still hope that i can, someday, years down the road, love you with the same wide-eyed passion that i love him with. nothing would make me happier. and even though i have my hang ups about dan, james, and even bryan, i do have enough common sense to realize all i have within you. i will never jeopardize that. even if james came in right this minute and said "marry me," it would kill me, but i would say no. i already know the pain that all their love costs. i don't want THAT. you make me happy, and THAT is what i want.

today was grea...

today was great compared to the last few. i finally got to talk to amanda about all the stuff that i've been so worried about concerning her, stephen, and myself. she still doesn't know what brings on these brief and rare feelings of jealousy and insecurities but she assured me she's not going to come between me and stephen. thank budda. me and my family have had a pretty decent day as well. good day.that's all for now.~red

blah...

i'm having a really hard time right now. i hate being depressed but i can't shake myself out of it. with me and my family always yelling at eachother, my love life going haywire, and not being able to throw a party because my friends hate eachother, I'm Really Stressed Out. I've ranted enough about my family so I'll skip that session today.My love life got thrown an extra twist today when a voice from the past came floating through the wires today. An old friend of mine, Bryan, wants me to go visit him for a week in NY. Sounds really cool and i don't want to miss this opportunity but since this is bryan we're talking about, i don't know if i should. he's been extra sweet to me, telling me that he knows he screwed up back in the day and he is so sorry for it. he even went as far to tell me that whereas before everything seemed to be more important to him (drugs, alcohol, partying, and sex) than me, now it's no contest at all. He said nothing and no one but me would tear him from me. Now before you start drawing your own conclusions let me tell you of that little piece of history we share. i met bryan who was then "tweak" through a mutual friend, katie. he and i flirted from day one. he and katie(a.k.a "kittie") started dating just about the same time i started dating the nightmare i like to call zach. Zach and katie dumped me and bryan on the same day and we were crying on eachother's shoulder. the following weekend he moved in with me and my family and everything was great for a short while. we became very involved and i started falling hard for the guy. tweak's problem was his drugs and his appetite for partying. i wanted no part of either. i guess i was cramping his style and he turned on me venemously. the time between him moving out of my house and to NY is kinda foggy. it seems we were trying to get on without eachother, but then he started calling here. at first i thought it was just for my mother's sake because she dotes on him. but he began asking to talk to me and wanted to know every detail of my personal life. it wasn't until november that it hit me: tweak is gone forever but bryan is returning next summer. it seems as though he genuinely wants us to be together ... but i'm not sure on what terms. he even said he might ask me and stephen to allow him to room with us once we get our own palace. i doubt stephen would go for that. then there's chris...i've never been one to take grass samples. i do admit i've tried jumping high enough to see what is on the other side of the fence, but only one time have i ever jumped it. (even then it was for nothing more than a bed of weeds and anthills.) and chris doesn't know me like bryan does because he has known me as long, but bryan already hurt me once and chris never has. so the choice seems really easy, right?...i was wanting to throw a valentine's dance at my house but now i really don't want to. my "friends" showed me how immature they are at my last party, i don't want a repeat. especially if i can't invite my good friends just because other people don't like them. Like stephen, archie, and dan...(they seem to be at the top of most lists) hate to break it to you but that list contains my three closest friends...if i can't have a party with them, i just won't have one at all. how do i do this? it seems if i'm friends with someone I'm more than likely friends with that one person they just can't stand as well. at least people know better than to make me choose. katie & archie, johnny-boy & dan, stephen & hoggle, hoggle & amber, toni & archie... i don't care. have your little dramas if you need it to make your lives more interesting, but don't expect me to give up friends because you're psychotic. i wish one time i could have all my friends together and they all put aside their differences for my sake. selfish, i know...and don't care. i've done enough for everybody that they could grant me that one wish without any hesitation, but it doesn't work that way. well, i'm tired as hades (only had 4 hours of sleep) so i'm gonna go. thank you for listening.~red

OH MY GOD...

if i didn't love my mom i would probably hate her. i went up to OH for a month and since i've returned my mother has been hitting me with a verbal sledge hammer. the one thing that pisses me off the most is that she does it in front of my friends. my mother may thing i'm a worthless loser but my friends love and appreciate me very much. they all look up to me and know i'm destined for great things. i've tried so hard all my life to do everything to make my mother happy and proud but i can't keep living like this. she hates my best friend, a friend who stuck by my side when no one else would, including her. stephen and i have been to hell and back and we've survived it all, much to the surprise of everyone who has witnessed our relationship from the beginning. he never bailed on me when times got rough and i know he never will. i've never had a friend like him, someone who believes in me like he does. and one thing i know for sure is i will never hear larry stephen decamp call me a loser. she can say whatever she wants about him but i know the kid...i know she can't destroy us, there is no force that can.now that i'm finished ranting...i got to see some of my bestest buds today. they all surprised me and consequently eachother. first melissa and stephen showed up and i could not believe how much it made my day to see my guardian angel (stephen). then after my mother humiliated me by berating stephen about his eagerness to give his girlfriend her promise ring even though he was suppose to wait until saturday (one year anniversary), and announcing to them that i am not as intelligent as they think i am because i failed two classes last semester ( and she got to tell how she played hero and saved me by talking them into letting me graduate anyway) before announcing to my father (an ex-navy personnel) that i think the navy is for losers who can't hack it in the real world, and i ran to my room crying because i can't understand why she is being such a heinous bitch to me when i am usually the child that can do no wrong, we decided to go jump on my trampoline. Then amber and matt showed up, followed by my little brother, darrell. while stephen and darrell were having a wrestling match on the trampoline, i was observing melissa and amber. these two girls are suppose to be dating but they seem to not even notice eachother. i started to wonder if this is my fault for two reasons: 1) amber has liked me for a long time (and i do stress "long") so maybe i was distracting her. 2) i had recently told melissa that i was interested in her, so i thought maybe they didn't know how to act around me.melissa soon after left. i got called into the house to do the never ending house chores and my friends followed. at my first available moment i dragged amber-elli into my room to chat. she told me she was going to break up with melissa and that she really cares about me and she wants me and her to date. the one reason i can't bring myself to date amber is because she gets to wrapped up in her boyfriend and inevitable neglects her girlfriend. i have to be center of attention so that wouldn't float with me. but she told me i could date melissa and she wouldn't mind. well, this made me feel guilty because it seemed like amber was silently screaming "when will it be my turn?" i have a kinda deserved reputation for being a cold bitch but i'm not heartless. amber has been my friend for years and i'm not sure if i could do something that i know would hurt her...so i'm lost as to what i should do. anyway, after we finished talking we came back to the living room where the boys: matt, stephen, darrell, and johnny-boy were getting into devil may cry. i have it on good authority that matt has a crush on me but when i tried to get him to talk he seemed to clam up more. matt is really sweet but i have a fantabulous boyfriend, however, i do not want to ignore matt and seem like i'm not sensitive to his feelings. so i can't ignore it but i can't encourage it. one word and i use it way too often:DRAMA! despite my life length of it, i actually hate and try to run from drama, unfortunately, being as high strung as i internally am, i tend to allow things in my mind to fester until they become self-inflicted drama wounds. but matt and amber left at about 6:45. me and stephen got to talk about our mutant characters we're designing and our future apartment so on and so forth until 8:00 hit and he was ready to go home. i didn't want to let him go. when i gave him his g'bye hug, i had to consciously force my arms to let him go. what?! i haven't seen him for a month, we've never gone that long without seeing eachother.later that night i got to talk to my baby. chris means a lot to me. for the first time though he really started opening up to me. we've been together for three months but he didn't want us to talk about him, so we usually either talked about me or held the phone to our ears and receiving nothing. (both i hate) but we had a really good conversation tonight that helped me get a great insight to this wonderful person i have the pleasure of dating. he makes me so happy. i hate that we can't see eachother everyday but i guess we get to test the theory "absence makes the heart grow fonder." but i realize before he and could pursue something more, i have to cremate a lot of sketletons in my closet. i have to once and for all get over james, my first love whom has held the power to torture and torment me for four years now. i have to accept that dan loves crystal and not me. and i have to understand that i let jeremiah go for good reasons. this is really hard. i've loved, been hurt and yet go out there glutton for more punishment. it's so hard to want to be loved but not want to return that love because that is not how the world works. i would love for chris and i to fall in love, i don't see it happening in the near future because both of us are defected, but i hope we can get over our pasts and have a good future with one another whether it be as a couple or friends. he's a good person and i don't want my baggage to drag him down. i don't want to hurt anybody.i should be asleep right now...oh well... i'll get there eventually. right now i'm gonna let you all go, i have emails to check and cd's to burn...so...i'ze love y'all so but ize gotsta go~Red

my day...

today i got to argue with my mother relentlessly...what fun! We don't really argue all that much but when we do go at it it seems we're out for blood. The one thing that really made me mad was not just that she was insulting my best friend, calling me a loser because i don't want to join the damn navy, and raising her voice to an ear piercing screech, but she did all this while i was on the phone with my boyfriend. it just couldn't wait. then when i try to have a decent conversation and drown her out she dared to ask him what he's doing with a loser like me. i love my mom but sometimes she pushes it just a tad bit past the limit. oh well...normal family problems i suppose. angel tried to call me tonight but my mom ran me off the phone. i hope he didn't have anything he really needed to talk to me about. i can't wait till we get our own place together, it will be a lot more saner. whatever that means. chris, my boyfriend, wants me to go meet his family at his house friday. i'm more than a little scared. his dad is a real big bible thumper and i can't imagine his reaction to his misfit son dating a practical buddist. ha! anyway the last time i tried having dinner with a guy's family i was shaking so much the spaghetti noodles kept slipping off my fork, remember that stephen? i laugh at it now but i can't help but wonder if i can't put on a more show of confidence this time.well...i'm extremely tired and johnny-boy is whispering "movie" over her beside me so i guess i'll keep this short so i can enjoy some great jap anime.luvs ya so but ize gotsta go.~Red

Here I am

finally, i am able to create my own journal. before i began, however, i feel i should forewarn everyone that i will write how and what feel despite all outside influences. i hope everyone gets as much of a kick out of my life as i do. Well, let me begin... as all my friends know, I have been in Ohio for the past month. While there I was able to do a lot of thinking concerning the rest of my life. I made many decisions that have surprised a lot of people. The first major one is not joining the Navy. Contrary to popular belief, nobody influenced this decision. I made it all on my own. I don't want to apart of this stupid war and I do not care how much of a coward that makes me. I want to be a doctor; I want to save lives, not take them. Above that though, you have to consider that I want children someday. As a former military brat I know that life style. It's fun, it's wild, nothing ever stays the same. Change is constant so you're never bored. However, moving to SC I realized I was cheated out of something very special and that was friendship. I never had any real friends moving around like I did. As a matter of fact, I still have trouble making friends today. It's hard hearing people talk about being babies in the same crib, playing peewee football together, and double dating for prom. I will never have that, but I want my future children to. Another thing to consider is that as a civilian doctor I will make a lot more money than as a Navy doctor. The final reason is that the Navy is only willing to put me through four years of college. Through FAFSA, I will be able to complete all six years at once. I won't have spend twenty years as a general practitioner then go back to put myself through the last two years so I can specialize in neurology. It makes perfect sense to me. Another decision is to move out of my parents' house and into a place with my best friend. My parents don't regard angel in too high of standards but I don't really care. The boy has been there for me when NOBODY else has. They think I am making a huge mistake, I don't. Angel is willing to change himself and I am willing to be there for and with him to help and encourage him, just like he always has for me. He wouldn't dare let me down with so much at stake. I trust him.But as a note to his uncle, he and I will never pursue a romantic relationship again. We tried, we failed, we wept, we mended, we're over it, and everyone else needs to be also. I am not another gal in his life, I am his buddy, his pal, his best friend. I love him as a brother.That brings me to another point I want to address: Nimue, you should not harbor such feelings toward me. Stop looking at me as another girl, stop looking at me as competition for your boyfriend's affection and attention. you and I are the two most important people in his life with two very different roles that should not infringe upon eachother's place in his heart. If you hold any animosity toward me for my relationship with him then it's going to tear up either your relationship with him or my relationship with him. Either way Angel takes a very dear loss. I honestly thought you may be the only girl that wasn't bothered by our friendship. For the past four years girls have been intimidated by my place in his life, which I've never understood. Jealousy is a killer. Please...for a lack of a better way to put it...get over it. You are his girlfriend and I will always be his girl but nothing more or less.Now that I've hopefully cleared that up...I've been home for two days and I've only talked to three of my friends. I hate the fact that I've graduated and all my buddies are still in school. I haven't even been able to get a hold of my boyfriend! I adore Chris but I hate the fact that his ex keeps stalking him. Everytime Chris-Lynn bothers him he puts a greater gap between he and I. I know I have nothing to worry about in reference to him leaving me for her but it seems she keeps re-opening the wound she inflicted on his heart and I am getting pushed back to the starting point by all the pain gushing from it. Morbid but accurate. But I'll keep trying, I use to be the same way so I know better how to deal with this. Some of my friends keep hounding me to date Matt, a really sweet, soft-spoken, red curly-haired guy that has a slight crush on me. I wish they would stop. Matt is a friend of mine but I don't what it is about me that would lead them to believe I'd cheat on Chris with him. As far as dumping Chris, not an option.Melissa came over today and stayed for awhile, I really missed her. I wish she and I could be alone so I could talk to her about Amber. I am so glad she and I have bonded so much. She's one of the few females I can trust. I don't usually get along with girls...oh well.Anyway...I just got off the phone with Chris, I hate the way we're so quiet on the phone. I really hate talking to him over the telephone. Melissa invited me to spend the night with her tonight but Mom is saying no because I didn't go to the grocery store with her today. She says until I do my responsibilities I can't have privelages. I didn't know going to the store was my responsibility. Just last night she sat me down and told me I had the housework and as long as that was finished I am not a prisoner in the house. There's a little bit of laundry to do and I'm cooking right now which means there'll be dishes soon but I should be able to get all that done in a reasonable amount of time. My family is kinda stressfull but I love them. Not much different from other families I suppose and I have been fortunate compared to other people that I live in a household where both parents are together still and my greatest friends are my two brothers and two sisters. Many people almost envy us for our closeness and solidarity. But it seems as though turmoil is always just a scratch below the surface. Again, not much different from most families. la de de la de daWell...I guess that's all for now. I know this is long, if you're an avid reader, you'll get use to it.Here it all is.