OH MY GOD...

if i didn't love my mom i would probably hate her. i went up to OH for a month and since i've returned my mother has been hitting me with a verbal sledge hammer. the one thing that pisses me off the most is that she does it in front of my friends. my mother may thing i'm a worthless loser but my friends love and appreciate me very much. they all look up to me and know i'm destined for great things. i've tried so hard all my life to do everything to make my mother happy and proud but i can't keep living like this. she hates my best friend, a friend who stuck by my side when no one else would, including her. stephen and i have been to hell and back and we've survived it all, much to the surprise of everyone who has witnessed our relationship from the beginning. he never bailed on me when times got rough and i know he never will. i've never had a friend like him, someone who believes in me like he does. and one thing i know for sure is i will never hear larry stephen decamp call me a loser. she can say whatever she wants about him but i know the kid...i know she can't destroy us, there is no force that can.now that i'm finished ranting...i got to see some of my bestest buds today. they all surprised me and consequently eachother. first melissa and stephen showed up and i could not believe how much it made my day to see my guardian angel (stephen). then after my mother humiliated me by berating stephen about his eagerness to give his girlfriend her promise ring even though he was suppose to wait until saturday (one year anniversary), and announcing to them that i am not as intelligent as they think i am because i failed two classes last semester ( and she got to tell how she played hero and saved me by talking them into letting me graduate anyway) before announcing to my father (an ex-navy personnel) that i think the navy is for losers who can't hack it in the real world, and i ran to my room crying because i can't understand why she is being such a heinous bitch to me when i am usually the child that can do no wrong, we decided to go jump on my trampoline. Then amber and matt showed up, followed by my little brother, darrell. while stephen and darrell were having a wrestling match on the trampoline, i was observing melissa and amber. these two girls are suppose to be dating but they seem to not even notice eachother. i started to wonder if this is my fault for two reasons: 1) amber has liked me for a long time (and i do stress "long") so maybe i was distracting her. 2) i had recently told melissa that i was interested in her, so i thought maybe they didn't know how to act around me.melissa soon after left. i got called into the house to do the never ending house chores and my friends followed. at my first available moment i dragged amber-elli into my room to chat. she told me she was going to break up with melissa and that she really cares about me and she wants me and her to date. the one reason i can't bring myself to date amber is because she gets to wrapped up in her boyfriend and inevitable neglects her girlfriend. i have to be center of attention so that wouldn't float with me. but she told me i could date melissa and she wouldn't mind. well, this made me feel guilty because it seemed like amber was silently screaming "when will it be my turn?" i have a kinda deserved reputation for being a cold bitch but i'm not heartless. amber has been my friend for years and i'm not sure if i could do something that i know would hurt her...so i'm lost as to what i should do. anyway, after we finished talking we came back to the living room where the boys: matt, stephen, darrell, and johnny-boy were getting into devil may cry. i have it on good authority that matt has a crush on me but when i tried to get him to talk he seemed to clam up more. matt is really sweet but i have a fantabulous boyfriend, however, i do not want to ignore matt and seem like i'm not sensitive to his feelings. so i can't ignore it but i can't encourage it. one word and i use it way too often:DRAMA! despite my life length of it, i actually hate and try to run from drama, unfortunately, being as high strung as i internally am, i tend to allow things in my mind to fester until they become self-inflicted drama wounds. but matt and amber left at about 6:45. me and stephen got to talk about our mutant characters we're designing and our future apartment so on and so forth until 8:00 hit and he was ready to go home. i didn't want to let him go. when i gave him his g'bye hug, i had to consciously force my arms to let him go. what?! i haven't seen him for a month, we've never gone that long without seeing eachother.later that night i got to talk to my baby. chris means a lot to me. for the first time though he really started opening up to me. we've been together for three months but he didn't want us to talk about him, so we usually either talked about me or held the phone to our ears and receiving nothing. (both i hate) but we had a really good conversation tonight that helped me get a great insight to this wonderful person i have the pleasure of dating. he makes me so happy. i hate that we can't see eachother everyday but i guess we get to test the theory "absence makes the heart grow fonder." but i realize before he and could pursue something more, i have to cremate a lot of sketletons in my closet. i have to once and for all get over james, my first love whom has held the power to torture and torment me for four years now. i have to accept that dan loves crystal and not me. and i have to understand that i let jeremiah go for good reasons. this is really hard. i've loved, been hurt and yet go out there glutton for more punishment. it's so hard to want to be loved but not want to return that love because that is not how the world works. i would love for chris and i to fall in love, i don't see it happening in the near future because both of us are defected, but i hope we can get over our pasts and have a good future with one another whether it be as a couple or friends. he's a good person and i don't want my baggage to drag him down. i don't want to hurt anybody.i should be asleep right now...oh well... i'll get there eventually. right now i'm gonna let you all go, i have emails to check and cd's to burn...so...i'ze love y'all so but ize gotsta go~Red