blah...

i'm having a really hard time right now. i hate being depressed but i can't shake myself out of it. with me and my family always yelling at eachother, my love life going haywire, and not being able to throw a party because my friends hate eachother, I'm Really Stressed Out. I've ranted enough about my family so I'll skip that session today.My love life got thrown an extra twist today when a voice from the past came floating through the wires today. An old friend of mine, Bryan, wants me to go visit him for a week in NY. Sounds really cool and i don't want to miss this opportunity but since this is bryan we're talking about, i don't know if i should. he's been extra sweet to me, telling me that he knows he screwed up back in the day and he is so sorry for it. he even went as far to tell me that whereas before everything seemed to be more important to him (drugs, alcohol, partying, and sex) than me, now it's no contest at all. He said nothing and no one but me would tear him from me. Now before you start drawing your own conclusions let me tell you of that little piece of history we share. i met bryan who was then "tweak" through a mutual friend, katie. he and i flirted from day one. he and katie(a.k.a "kittie") started dating just about the same time i started dating the nightmare i like to call zach. Zach and katie dumped me and bryan on the same day and we were crying on eachother's shoulder. the following weekend he moved in with me and my family and everything was great for a short while. we became very involved and i started falling hard for the guy. tweak's problem was his drugs and his appetite for partying. i wanted no part of either. i guess i was cramping his style and he turned on me venemously. the time between him moving out of my house and to NY is kinda foggy. it seems we were trying to get on without eachother, but then he started calling here. at first i thought it was just for my mother's sake because she dotes on him. but he began asking to talk to me and wanted to know every detail of my personal life. it wasn't until november that it hit me: tweak is gone forever but bryan is returning next summer. it seems as though he genuinely wants us to be together ... but i'm not sure on what terms. he even said he might ask me and stephen to allow him to room with us once we get our own palace. i doubt stephen would go for that. then there's chris...i've never been one to take grass samples. i do admit i've tried jumping high enough to see what is on the other side of the fence, but only one time have i ever jumped it. (even then it was for nothing more than a bed of weeds and anthills.) and chris doesn't know me like bryan does because he has known me as long, but bryan already hurt me once and chris never has. so the choice seems really easy, right?...i was wanting to throw a valentine's dance at my house but now i really don't want to. my "friends" showed me how immature they are at my last party, i don't want a repeat. especially if i can't invite my good friends just because other people don't like them. Like stephen, archie, and dan...(they seem to be at the top of most lists) hate to break it to you but that list contains my three closest friends...if i can't have a party with them, i just won't have one at all. how do i do this? it seems if i'm friends with someone I'm more than likely friends with that one person they just can't stand as well. at least people know better than to make me choose. katie & archie, johnny-boy & dan, stephen & hoggle, hoggle & amber, toni & archie... i don't care. have your little dramas if you need it to make your lives more interesting, but don't expect me to give up friends because you're psychotic. i wish one time i could have all my friends together and they all put aside their differences for my sake. selfish, i know...and don't care. i've done enough for everybody that they could grant me that one wish without any hesitation, but it doesn't work that way. well, i'm tired as hades (only had 4 hours of sleep) so i'm gonna go. thank you for listening.~red