Here I am

finally, i am able to create my own journal. before i began, however, i feel i should forewarn everyone that i will write how and what feel despite all outside influences. i hope everyone gets as much of a kick out of my life as i do. Well, let me begin... as all my friends know, I have been in Ohio for the past month. While there I was able to do a lot of thinking concerning the rest of my life. I made many decisions that have surprised a lot of people. The first major one is not joining the Navy. Contrary to popular belief, nobody influenced this decision. I made it all on my own. I don't want to apart of this stupid war and I do not care how much of a coward that makes me. I want to be a doctor; I want to save lives, not take them. Above that though, you have to consider that I want children someday. As a former military brat I know that life style. It's fun, it's wild, nothing ever stays the same. Change is constant so you're never bored. However, moving to SC I realized I was cheated out of something very special and that was friendship. I never had any real friends moving around like I did. As a matter of fact, I still have trouble making friends today. It's hard hearing people talk about being babies in the same crib, playing peewee football together, and double dating for prom. I will never have that, but I want my future children to. Another thing to consider is that as a civilian doctor I will make a lot more money than as a Navy doctor. The final reason is that the Navy is only willing to put me through four years of college. Through FAFSA, I will be able to complete all six years at once. I won't have spend twenty years as a general practitioner then go back to put myself through the last two years so I can specialize in neurology. It makes perfect sense to me. Another decision is to move out of my parents' house and into a place with my best friend. My parents don't regard angel in too high of standards but I don't really care. The boy has been there for me when NOBODY else has. They think I am making a huge mistake, I don't. Angel is willing to change himself and I am willing to be there for and with him to help and encourage him, just like he always has for me. He wouldn't dare let me down with so much at stake. I trust him.But as a note to his uncle, he and I will never pursue a romantic relationship again. We tried, we failed, we wept, we mended, we're over it, and everyone else needs to be also. I am not another gal in his life, I am his buddy, his pal, his best friend. I love him as a brother.That brings me to another point I want to address: Nimue, you should not harbor such feelings toward me. Stop looking at me as another girl, stop looking at me as competition for your boyfriend's affection and attention. you and I are the two most important people in his life with two very different roles that should not infringe upon eachother's place in his heart. If you hold any animosity toward me for my relationship with him then it's going to tear up either your relationship with him or my relationship with him. Either way Angel takes a very dear loss. I honestly thought you may be the only girl that wasn't bothered by our friendship. For the past four years girls have been intimidated by my place in his life, which I've never understood. Jealousy is a killer. Please...for a lack of a better way to put it...get over it. You are his girlfriend and I will always be his girl but nothing more or less.Now that I've hopefully cleared that up...I've been home for two days and I've only talked to three of my friends. I hate the fact that I've graduated and all my buddies are still in school. I haven't even been able to get a hold of my boyfriend! I adore Chris but I hate the fact that his ex keeps stalking him. Everytime Chris-Lynn bothers him he puts a greater gap between he and I. I know I have nothing to worry about in reference to him leaving me for her but it seems she keeps re-opening the wound she inflicted on his heart and I am getting pushed back to the starting point by all the pain gushing from it. Morbid but accurate. But I'll keep trying, I use to be the same way so I know better how to deal with this. Some of my friends keep hounding me to date Matt, a really sweet, soft-spoken, red curly-haired guy that has a slight crush on me. I wish they would stop. Matt is a friend of mine but I don't what it is about me that would lead them to believe I'd cheat on Chris with him. As far as dumping Chris, not an option.Melissa came over today and stayed for awhile, I really missed her. I wish she and I could be alone so I could talk to her about Amber. I am so glad she and I have bonded so much. She's one of the few females I can trust. I don't usually get along with girls...oh well.Anyway...I just got off the phone with Chris, I hate the way we're so quiet on the phone. I really hate talking to him over the telephone. Melissa invited me to spend the night with her tonight but Mom is saying no because I didn't go to the grocery store with her today. She says until I do my responsibilities I can't have privelages. I didn't know going to the store was my responsibility. Just last night she sat me down and told me I had the housework and as long as that was finished I am not a prisoner in the house. There's a little bit of laundry to do and I'm cooking right now which means there'll be dishes soon but I should be able to get all that done in a reasonable amount of time. My family is kinda stressfull but I love them. Not much different from other families I suppose and I have been fortunate compared to other people that I live in a household where both parents are together still and my greatest friends are my two brothers and two sisters. Many people almost envy us for our closeness and solidarity. But it seems as though turmoil is always just a scratch below the surface. Again, not much different from most families. la de de la de daWell...I guess that's all for now. I know this is long, if you're an avid reader, you'll get use to it.Here it all is.