today was harsh...

well, i took my test today. it was so hard! i made a 72.9%!!! i couldn't believe it, but considering i missed three out of five lectures, i guess it's just a good thing i passed.i also went to see my psychologist today. he's such a nice guy. he did a psychoanalysis on me and we discovered i'm four points shy from being manic depressive. i go back next week for bi-polar analysis. i always knew i was f*cked in the head, this just proves it. my stress level is skyrocketing though. i have been having muscle spasms in my stomach, a headache that's been attacking me since last wednesday, and i have an ulcer. i'm 18 yrs old and i have an ulcer! so many things are going wrong and i can't fix them. and it's not just dan but my family, stephen, and my secret. i have a lot on my plate, anyone hungry? but i guess there are a few good things going on too. i can't think of any right now but i'm sure they're there. my secret could be considered good but it's still stressful. wanna know something weird? not only do i see the psycho doc twice a week but now i have not one but two different group therapy sessions i have to attend every week. one is to learn to relax and the other is to learn how to behave! nah... he says i have a reliance and dependecy issue where i feel like if everything isn't perfect it's my fault, or i have to fix it. also i have an anxiety control, or lack thereof i have to deal with. the thing that really scares me is that he wants me to bring him some things i've written recently. y'all wanna see?Only No Tears Appear Once alive, my heart did thrive;love at some point had a place. Now since bitten, my heart's been ridden;i've lost love, now life, no trace. Tears of dust, only instinct i trust;a burden much easier, pleasure to bear. A pact with the devil, in comfort i revel;for i am the heartless, darkness my lair.~stacey michelle****************************************************************MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, DEAR?I HATE WHO I AM THESE DAYS.I WAS LOSING ME, USING YOU TO FILL THE SPACE.I NEVER DID FIND THAT SENSE OF PEACE.THE LESSON WAS HARD TO LEARN,BUT EASY TO TEACH.I'M A STRANGER WITHIN MY OWN SKIN.IT'S ONLY LOSS THAT I FIND MYSELF IN.LOOK WHAT WAS SACRIFICED FOR YOU.WHEN HOPE IS GONE, FAITH'S A SORE VIEW.~STACEY MICHELLE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~FrankensteinI only wanted you to love me, do i still not deserve it after all this time? Do you realize, in my mission to obtain your love and your acceptance, I've lost everything that could tempt you to fall in love with me? Now I'm an object of attraction and lust to others but it makes me sick. They don't want me. They want this entity, this mutation of the real me. This creation you've made but take no pride in. Dr. Frankenstien. Close, but not quite. Though I am nothing more than an accident. You do try to hide from me, and I do wish for nothing more than your acceptance of the person you've made me. Every man who loves me from here on out will love your monster. Your creature of shame and rejection.~Stacey Michelle+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Please Love Me In ReturnI'll be there for you as you smile,I'll be there for you as you cry.I'll appreciate you when you're honest,I'll forgive you when you must lie.Every morning you'll awake beside me,At night you'll never wonder where i might be.I'll help build our world beside you,And lay it out before your feet.~Stacey Michelle###################################################################just keep telling yourself that....it's just one more goodbye, and what's one more goodbye when i've said it all my life? it's just one my heart ache, and what's one more heartache when i've felt it all my life? it's just one more tear drop, and what's one more tear drop, when i've cried them all my life? it's just one lonely night, and what's one more lonely night when i've faced them all my life? it's one more, not the first, not the last. merely one more.~stacey michelle^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^what'ch'ya think?~red

update...

well...corpschool is great! i'm doing quite well and i'll be graduating 10 Oct 03. things go by so fast up here that that's not very far away. then i'll be going to yorktown, VA for my c school in optomotry for six months. then i'm going to charleston. neurology wasn't an option but i figured that i could make good money as an optrician and then use the money from my montogomery g.i. bill to put me through med school so i can achieve my dream of being a world-famous neurologist. as for amanda and dan. i would hate dan if i didn't love him so much. he knew i knew he still lied to me about his feelings for amanda, why? he could've better prepared me. and i know he has no respect for me. i asked him not to date her, maybe it was wrong of me, but of all the beautiful, witty, intelligent girls there are down there why did he have to go after a girl best friend loves, and someone that i adored as well? why couldn't he just stay the fuck away from girls i care about? perhaps this make no sense to any of you. amanda,i don't want us to feud and fight. even though you have betrayed me, and don't even deny, i am one to forgive nearly everyone. i am tired of losing people over dan ,and i am upset at your decisions as of late, but i don't want to lose you completely. so if you ever need to talk, even if it's about dan, come to me. hell! i am probably THE person to go to when it comes to him. i won't steer you wrong, i never have, and i am above that. besides, as a child i loved him. after all i've been through in bootcamp i knew, as an adult, i need to look elsewhere. dan's my prince charming but he's not my mr. right. that goes for all of you. just because i'm all the way up here doesn't mean i can't still help you guys.now what....i'm going home for labor day weekend! oh could someone (amanda) pass it on to dan that i need to get all my stuff from his house and his storage compartment. i'll probably do that sunday evening. just let me get everything that belongs to me then he can be through with me forever.love all of you guys,~redoh! almost forgot... my phone got cut off and it won't be turned back on until the 29th so if you want to get ahold of me my email addy is still the same.

In Case You're Wondering

Out of boot-campLove Corp SchoolLove StephenLove CrystalLove my MommyLove Jessi WootenLove DanNot so much love for AmandaStill no love for ArchieAnd Love All The Rest Of You GuysWould LOVE to Hear From All Of You So Here's My Cell Phone Number224-619-6414~Red