Well, l...

Well, life has been going on in its usually pattern. The sun still rises in the east and sets in the west as gravity continues to take its toll on my feet.I realize I live two different lives. There's my safe and innocent one where I have my Angel, and my darling boyfriend. And I can dream and dream and be perfectly content.Then there is the life that I have to wake up to every morning that consists of problems I actually don't know the answers to. That's it, I'm grabbing my blanket and going back to sleep.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I'm usually one who doesn't care what people think about me but it occurred to me today that maybe I should at least know whether I care or not. But then I'm almost afraid of what the answer would be. Not as in would it be what I want to hear as much as would it be completely honest. I don't know.All that I'm sure of is that I am me and like this person for the most part. To hell with whether everyone else does or not.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I finally went out to the club last night. It was quite interesting for the most part. I saw LaTara up there and I couldn't believe my eyes. My sweet, mild-mannered, Tara was being as wild and loose as...yeah. I also saw Katie O'neil up there and it brought back a lot of memories. Unfortunately for me though, I was with Archie and seeing as how she and Katie despise one another...I didn't get much time for reminiscing. But up until the end, Katie was probably best described as the girl of my dreams. But then she visciously turned on me and I have no idea why. Still, when I saw her last night, I didn't see the girl who talked bad about me and would intentionally push all my buttons, but the girl who would curl up beside me and tell me her problems, fears, and secrets, knowing they and herself were completely safe with me. Katie meant a lot to me and I want so much to dislike her for the way she did me, but it's impossible. I loved Katie and I can't hate her for any reason. However, I do realize nothing will change between us. Even if she is over whatever she was pissed off at me for to begin with, we could never go back to being those two girls who never held back anything from eachother. I just really miss her; hell, I miss having that kind of connection with any girl.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Speaking of Luscious Lesbian Lovers... has anybody heard the band T.A.T.u's c.d.? They're two Russian Lesbians that publicly announces through their lyrics their love for eachother. They're awesome and I'm in love. Hehehe. Of course, I love anybody that openly defies society like that.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~okay i'm through. love 'ya guys.~Red

This Promise

She said "I love him."He said "you don't."He said "break up with him."She said "I won't!"He said "you're a silly girl,Puppy love is all you feel."She said "no dad, Can you not see this is real?"Going round and round in circles,Lighting anger's candle wick.He wants more for his little girlBut her love is just too thick.With tears and a phonecallKnowing everything at stake,He swore unto his dear loveSomething her dad couldn't take...This promise:You stay, Alright.You say go and I'll fight.You say I'm not worth itI will fade out of your life.No matter what we're facingWe'll be locked together hand in hand.I'll never break your heart,Why can't he understand?She was too young for this, A baby in her womb.And he wasn't ready yet,His life had not the room.But he knew in his heart It was her choice to make,And he would support itFor their future's sake.She said abort it,And he said okay.She truely hopes for children,Just not today.Later when she wondersIf she should have let it live,He'll offer her the only thingThat could make the difference...This promise:Us together, no regrets.Many lessons, I'll respect.Everyday demands decisionsRegarding life and death.Whatever you go through,You won't have to face alone.I'll be by your sideLighting your way with my love.He said "I'm sorry."She asked "for what?""You've always been too wild,I deserve what I got.No one can tame you,God knows I tried.But for two years you've hurt me,For two years I've cried."He said "I love you."She said "please don't.""Let me be with someoneWho can give what I want."And even though it killed himHe had to let her leave,But before she could walk out,He made his final plea...This promise:I've made mistakes, a lot,But you are all I've got.You walk out there doorYou'll be walking with my heart.I know how much I'm losingAnd I know why you must leave,But you'll never live a daynot completely loved by me.Distance and time couldn't be great enought to lose you.I'll be in your heart, if not your mind.Memories don't fade, they just get buried.I don't know how to say I love you,But I'll try.When you're sad, I'll cryWhen you're happy, I'll smileWhen you're exhausted, I will walk a hundred miles.This feeling is overwhelmingBut of this I'm so sure of,Nobody could walk this earthWith more desire to know your love.Two years after their byesShe made a call.She was praying for hopeBut recieved none at all.For the one she loved so much,The one she could not forget,Was getting married to anotherAnd she could not handle it.She asked "Why not me?"He said "We've tried.I will love you alwaysBut I have a bright new life.""Everybody move on."It was a truth they both knew."But there is something she can't haveFor it's sole owner is you."This promise:When I fell, you cared.When I got lost, you were there.You loved me throughout everythingWhile I was too damn scared.I know that you're hurtingAnd maybe this will help.You never needed meYou were always the hero for yourself.This world is too big.The pains are in plenty.The traps are well hidden,But still there are many.Love is a deep holeThat everyone falls in,And tears are shed for lossesThat will be faced again.Her mother saw her heartAnd the anger that it felt.Love had been unkindto one so faithful unto it.If hope can cease to exist In one that is so young,Then what can revive herFrom the damange that's been done?This promise:Broken hearts do mend.They're pieced together to give againJust to be re-brokenas the cycle never ends.It's better to have loved and lostthan to never have loved at all.The pain will be in vainuntil you find the promising fall....By Stacey NalleyInspired by: Amanda Pruitt and Stephen DeCamp Jessica Archie and Matthew Pridmore Daniel Murphy and Crystal Parker Christopher Sprayberry James Phillips Lisa Nalley and myselfWritten: December 30, 2002 12:46 a.m.********************************************************What'cha think? Good enough to send in to a recording studio or still too lame? Maybe if I can make money off my songs I won't have to go into the military to pay for college. *sigh* a dreamer's dream, dreamt away on a stream of faded dreams. Like I always say: wishes are wasted on candle and stars.anyway...feedback people.~Red

Your Heart is Re...

Your Heart is Red What Color is Your Heart? brought to you by Quizillahehehehe. survey says?....eeehhhhcongratulations. you are the kiss my ass happybunny. You don't care about anyone or anything.You must be so proud which happy bunny are you? brought to you by Quizillai hate being stereotyped but that's pretty flippin accurate!You are the Figher Femme Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You? brought to you by Quizillasee? now i know why the shy ones won't speak up and the loud ones want to dominate me?peaches--you like fuzzy things you especially liketo explore them with your mouth What's your stripper name? (female) brought to you by Quizillahaha! I'm sorry this one is just too true not to put up here!

Hi, i'm louisa

I'M JUST HERE TO INTRODUCE MYSELF BECAUSE I THINK EVERYONE HAS THE WRONG IDEA OF ME. as most of you know my name is louisa Mercedes Nalley. i live mainly in stacey's head and my mission in life is to drive her crazy. i believe my purpose is to serve as her comedy relief and her sanity. as all of you know, stacey can get into a panic quite easily so i have to calm her down. stacey also has a really bad temper that i keep in check for her. she has made me out to be some kind of immature dumb-blond, but that's not me. i admit i am kinda innocent. stacey knows a lot more about life than i do. our differences...well...stacey is a freak and i'm not. her fav color is red and mine is blue (which she hates). she loves country and punk rock music. i like mostly pop music. she's into long haired shaggy guys and i don't even think about them. now there's a funny twist to me and stacey. she seems to think this wild girl that comes out every now and then is me...it's not. she thinks while she was with dan, i'd appear, nope...not me. don't jump to conclusions there's not a third girl in here. no...i think it's a guy. i'm not sure though. there's some parts of stacey's mind that was off-limits to me when i arrived but studying her, i'm pretty sure of it. i think stacey has a guy living in her head. he's wild and he's mean. but then again, it could just be stacey. she's kinda...boyish. but like i said, i can't go exploring to find out. stacey laughs everytime i ask her what she thinks. she says she would know, but i'm not sure. oh! it's not that i hate stacey, i am afraid of what she's going to do to us. she's stubborn and yet too gentle. she believes in everybody but doesn't trust in anyone. she hates drama and stress and yet refuses to get rid of the components that cause the drama and stress. but i actually love the gal and i worry about her so much. it seems as if i'm the only one that does. i'll be honest. i don't like any of you. you're not good friends to her. but she doesn't need any of you, she has me and that's enough.

drama vol 2

archie: i'm not mad at you, i just don't like the situation. i have to figure out how to approach things now. i've always stayed away from your love interests because i don't want to compete with you, i'm not into that petty bs. i will call you and talk to you once i know where i stand. don't worry, dear, first and foremost, i'm YOUR friend.i don't know how much time i have here. i may move to ohio. mom and the family are unbearable and everywhere i turn there's drama. maybe a clean slate will do me a lot of good. people really fuckin suck. you try being a good friend, a decent person, a moral citizen, and you get ass raped.

Sexy-like Vamp...

Sexy-like Vampire What type of vampire are you? brought to you by Quizillaummm...DUH! what gave it away, really? you can call me the human tire swing. *he he*YOu like to be everywhere at once. You like todance and sing wiht everyone. you like to skipand sing and be happy its very important toyou. Your a spring fairy. What kind of fairy are you? brought to you by Quizillaawww... ize so cute, dimple dimple.

drama volume one

well...first off, I MISS MY BOYFRIEND!!! now, i finally was told what i needed to know about archie and dan. archie: you and i have never fought over a guy and i hold that as being very unique between the two of us. we both love dan but he will not be the one we destroy eachother over. i refuse! if dan decides he wants a third shot with you, you will not have to worry about me. i value our friendship, but i do have to figure out how i'm going to handle and deal with all of this.dan: i don't want to ruin my relationship with chris over anything stupid. you and i had a chance and it got blown clear out of the water. i want to be your friend and a good one at that, but as for a different kind of future...i doubt it. i love you, and you know that, but i don't think i can look at you the same way. tonight kind of drenched that.chris: you swept me off my feet and cared about me the way i always wanted. you don't spoil me, try to take me out to fancy shmancy resturants, that's not what i want anyway. you write me poems and let me read your palms, you just cuddle beside me and i love that more than i ever could love a fillet minon. i haven't been the fairest to you and i am sorry for that (litterally) but it wasn't until tonight that i realized how lucky i am. thank you.stephen: I REALLY NEED MY BESTEST FRIEND RIGHT NOW...please don't let anything ruin my chances for being there saturday. i have to talk to you about all the stuff plaguing my mind.nimue: love 'ya honey!erika: hey-ya dear! what would you do if one of your dearest friends admitted that she cared about a guy that you still love even though they dated years ago and you're trying to get over him?

i love you guys

thanks for all the advice with the james subject, it's difficult to get over him but i never honestly tried. i don't think i'll go to the wedding, i have had nightmares about it. i'm sorry i unloaded about all that, half of it was just pulled straight from the sub-conscience and i didn't even know it. i care about chris and i'm not losing that due to basic stupidity so angel, you don't need to worry about me. don't forget , i'm the strong one, but it's because of you guys that i am. i draw my stength directly from all of you. on a lighter note, i finally got to talk to my girl, archie, today. i was feeling kinda bummed because she didn't try getting a hold of me and i was wondering if i was on her black list again ( anyone who knows our relationship will understand why i'd be worried). it just felt really good to talk to her again. i miss her lots. dan asked me something today that was kinda puzzling, i won't go into detail here. my friends, i don't ask much from any of you, but please lay off the "hate dan" band wagon for awhile. dan is going through a lot and i want to be there for him but everytime i try getting advice on how to help him, i get the whole " you shouldn't even be giving him the time of day" routine. i help people, all people. and i would never tell daniel ray murphy to " get lost " as everyone seems to put it. so please please please stop.oh! erika, i don't think you're stalking me, and thanks for your input, i'll definitely consider all you say. and i don't mind how long your comments get, mine can get rediculously long. but i enjoy reading others comments and opinions so feel free to respong to anything.well, thanks everyone, just another reminder of how lucky i am for having friends like y'all.~red

-Perfect- You'...

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Whichmeans you're rare or that you cheated :P You'rethe kind of chick that can hang out with yourboyfriend's friends and be silly. You don'tcare about presents or about going to fancyplaced. Hell, just hang out. You're just happybeing around your boyfriend. What Kind of Girlfriend Are You? brought to you by QuizillaBadger What Is Your Animal Personality? brought to you by Quizilla

well, yet another day of life

today was boring. but i had to think of james too much. james kristoffer phillips, the love of my short life. i can't bear the fact that he's getting married next month. the thing i hate most is he doesn't love her, well he does because they've grown up together (they're dads are best friends). but they're getting pressured to go through with their parents' wishes. he's getting married, he's getting married, he's get-...'ya know, it doesn't matter how many times i tell myself this, it doesn't seem real. james even told me that he knows it should be me. it SHOULD be me, but it IS her. maybe, once i hear that he has gone through with it and i can't deny it anymore, it will click inside my demented head that he's gone. i love him so much, and i am afraid that facing that fact would be like us breaking up all over again. do you know how hard it is to love one person unconditionally and yet try to give your heart and love to other people? it's funny, i'm never free of the pain, everytime i'm with a new guy i feel like i'm cheating on james, even after four years, yet he's the one getting married! i have to let him go though, for my own mental stability i have to free myself of his power over me. i'm not sure i'm strong or brave enough to do that. without my love for james consuming me, what would i have, what would i be leaving myself open for? i always thought that if i found boyfriends who are so great to me like matt, zach, stephen, dan then i cold get over him or at least forget about him. but it doesn't work like that. i emotionally detatch myself from them and i lie. yes, everytime i say i love you i'm really saying " i love james, but you're distracting me from thinking of him right now and i really appreciate that." (that's with the exception of stephen and dan whom i love as friends.) four years people, that's a long time to be pining for a lost cause. but hopefully, i will find freedom next month. maybe i can convince myself to actually attend that wedding, afterall dawn was a very good friend of mine. maybe seeing the ceremony would shock me into healing. if only it were that simple. that's why i'm glad i'm with chris. he's not rushing into anything, he wants us to take our time, as do i. i don't have to hear "i love you" and feel rotten for either saying it back or not being able to. chris is a great guy, i don't deserve him. he deserves someone who can keep their shit together. i deserve...peace. that's why i almost got married, i thought if i had a ring on my finger then i could be free from james and the whole cycle of pain that comes with dating and love. see, stephen, you never could understand my bitterness on love. i hope you and her don't ever have to live with the pain and loss i bathe in daily. chris, i wish you could see i'm not perfect. i hope you have the patience and tolerance to deal with me until i can get through this with my ex. i hope you know that as angry as i am at james and myself for the way i feel about him, i still hope that i can, someday, years down the road, love you with the same wide-eyed passion that i love him with. nothing would make me happier. and even though i have my hang ups about dan, james, and even bryan, i do have enough common sense to realize all i have within you. i will never jeopardize that. even if james came in right this minute and said "marry me," it would kill me, but i would say no. i already know the pain that all their love costs. i don't want THAT. you make me happy, and THAT is what i want.

today was grea...

today was great compared to the last few. i finally got to talk to amanda about all the stuff that i've been so worried about concerning her, stephen, and myself. she still doesn't know what brings on these brief and rare feelings of jealousy and insecurities but she assured me she's not going to come between me and stephen. thank budda. me and my family have had a pretty decent day as well. good day.that's all for now.~red

blah...

i'm having a really hard time right now. i hate being depressed but i can't shake myself out of it. with me and my family always yelling at eachother, my love life going haywire, and not being able to throw a party because my friends hate eachother, I'm Really Stressed Out. I've ranted enough about my family so I'll skip that session today.My love life got thrown an extra twist today when a voice from the past came floating through the wires today. An old friend of mine, Bryan, wants me to go visit him for a week in NY. Sounds really cool and i don't want to miss this opportunity but since this is bryan we're talking about, i don't know if i should. he's been extra sweet to me, telling me that he knows he screwed up back in the day and he is so sorry for it. he even went as far to tell me that whereas before everything seemed to be more important to him (drugs, alcohol, partying, and sex) than me, now it's no contest at all. He said nothing and no one but me would tear him from me. Now before you start drawing your own conclusions let me tell you of that little piece of history we share. i met bryan who was then "tweak" through a mutual friend, katie. he and i flirted from day one. he and katie(a.k.a "kittie") started dating just about the same time i started dating the nightmare i like to call zach. Zach and katie dumped me and bryan on the same day and we were crying on eachother's shoulder. the following weekend he moved in with me and my family and everything was great for a short while. we became very involved and i started falling hard for the guy. tweak's problem was his drugs and his appetite for partying. i wanted no part of either. i guess i was cramping his style and he turned on me venemously. the time between him moving out of my house and to NY is kinda foggy. it seems we were trying to get on without eachother, but then he started calling here. at first i thought it was just for my mother's sake because she dotes on him. but he began asking to talk to me and wanted to know every detail of my personal life. it wasn't until november that it hit me: tweak is gone forever but bryan is returning next summer. it seems as though he genuinely wants us to be together ... but i'm not sure on what terms. he even said he might ask me and stephen to allow him to room with us once we get our own palace. i doubt stephen would go for that. then there's chris...i've never been one to take grass samples. i do admit i've tried jumping high enough to see what is on the other side of the fence, but only one time have i ever jumped it. (even then it was for nothing more than a bed of weeds and anthills.) and chris doesn't know me like bryan does because he has known me as long, but bryan already hurt me once and chris never has. so the choice seems really easy, right?...i was wanting to throw a valentine's dance at my house but now i really don't want to. my "friends" showed me how immature they are at my last party, i don't want a repeat. especially if i can't invite my good friends just because other people don't like them. Like stephen, archie, and dan...(they seem to be at the top of most lists) hate to break it to you but that list contains my three closest friends...if i can't have a party with them, i just won't have one at all. how do i do this? it seems if i'm friends with someone I'm more than likely friends with that one person they just can't stand as well. at least people know better than to make me choose. katie & archie, johnny-boy & dan, stephen & hoggle, hoggle & amber, toni & archie... i don't care. have your little dramas if you need it to make your lives more interesting, but don't expect me to give up friends because you're psychotic. i wish one time i could have all my friends together and they all put aside their differences for my sake. selfish, i know...and don't care. i've done enough for everybody that they could grant me that one wish without any hesitation, but it doesn't work that way. well, i'm tired as hades (only had 4 hours of sleep) so i'm gonna go. thank you for listening.~red

OH MY GOD...

if i didn't love my mom i would probably hate her. i went up to OH for a month and since i've returned my mother has been hitting me with a verbal sledge hammer. the one thing that pisses me off the most is that she does it in front of my friends. my mother may thing i'm a worthless loser but my friends love and appreciate me very much. they all look up to me and know i'm destined for great things. i've tried so hard all my life to do everything to make my mother happy and proud but i can't keep living like this. she hates my best friend, a friend who stuck by my side when no one else would, including her. stephen and i have been to hell and back and we've survived it all, much to the surprise of everyone who has witnessed our relationship from the beginning. he never bailed on me when times got rough and i know he never will. i've never had a friend like him, someone who believes in me like he does. and one thing i know for sure is i will never hear larry stephen decamp call me a loser. she can say whatever she wants about him but i know the kid...i know she can't destroy us, there is no force that can.now that i'm finished ranting...i got to see some of my bestest buds today. they all surprised me and consequently eachother. first melissa and stephen showed up and i could not believe how much it made my day to see my guardian angel (stephen). then after my mother humiliated me by berating stephen about his eagerness to give his girlfriend her promise ring even though he was suppose to wait until saturday (one year anniversary), and announcing to them that i am not as intelligent as they think i am because i failed two classes last semester ( and she got to tell how she played hero and saved me by talking them into letting me graduate anyway) before announcing to my father (an ex-navy personnel) that i think the navy is for losers who can't hack it in the real world, and i ran to my room crying because i can't understand why she is being such a heinous bitch to me when i am usually the child that can do no wrong, we decided to go jump on my trampoline. Then amber and matt showed up, followed by my little brother, darrell. while stephen and darrell were having a wrestling match on the trampoline, i was observing melissa and amber. these two girls are suppose to be dating but they seem to not even notice eachother. i started to wonder if this is my fault for two reasons: 1) amber has liked me for a long time (and i do stress "long") so maybe i was distracting her. 2) i had recently told melissa that i was interested in her, so i thought maybe they didn't know how to act around me.melissa soon after left. i got called into the house to do the never ending house chores and my friends followed. at my first available moment i dragged amber-elli into my room to chat. she told me she was going to break up with melissa and that she really cares about me and she wants me and her to date. the one reason i can't bring myself to date amber is because she gets to wrapped up in her boyfriend and inevitable neglects her girlfriend. i have to be center of attention so that wouldn't float with me. but she told me i could date melissa and she wouldn't mind. well, this made me feel guilty because it seemed like amber was silently screaming "when will it be my turn?" i have a kinda deserved reputation for being a cold bitch but i'm not heartless. amber has been my friend for years and i'm not sure if i could do something that i know would hurt her...so i'm lost as to what i should do. anyway, after we finished talking we came back to the living room where the boys: matt, stephen, darrell, and johnny-boy were getting into devil may cry. i have it on good authority that matt has a crush on me but when i tried to get him to talk he seemed to clam up more. matt is really sweet but i have a fantabulous boyfriend, however, i do not want to ignore matt and seem like i'm not sensitive to his feelings. so i can't ignore it but i can't encourage it. one word and i use it way too often:DRAMA! despite my life length of it, i actually hate and try to run from drama, unfortunately, being as high strung as i internally am, i tend to allow things in my mind to fester until they become self-inflicted drama wounds. but matt and amber left at about 6:45. me and stephen got to talk about our mutant characters we're designing and our future apartment so on and so forth until 8:00 hit and he was ready to go home. i didn't want to let him go. when i gave him his g'bye hug, i had to consciously force my arms to let him go. what?! i haven't seen him for a month, we've never gone that long without seeing eachother.later that night i got to talk to my baby. chris means a lot to me. for the first time though he really started opening up to me. we've been together for three months but he didn't want us to talk about him, so we usually either talked about me or held the phone to our ears and receiving nothing. (both i hate) but we had a really good conversation tonight that helped me get a great insight to this wonderful person i have the pleasure of dating. he makes me so happy. i hate that we can't see eachother everyday but i guess we get to test the theory "absence makes the heart grow fonder." but i realize before he and could pursue something more, i have to cremate a lot of sketletons in my closet. i have to once and for all get over james, my first love whom has held the power to torture and torment me for four years now. i have to accept that dan loves crystal and not me. and i have to understand that i let jeremiah go for good reasons. this is really hard. i've loved, been hurt and yet go out there glutton for more punishment. it's so hard to want to be loved but not want to return that love because that is not how the world works. i would love for chris and i to fall in love, i don't see it happening in the near future because both of us are defected, but i hope we can get over our pasts and have a good future with one another whether it be as a couple or friends. he's a good person and i don't want my baggage to drag him down. i don't want to hurt anybody.i should be asleep right now...oh well... i'll get there eventually. right now i'm gonna let you all go, i have emails to check and cd's to burn...so...i'ze love y'all so but ize gotsta go~Red

my day...

today i got to argue with my mother relentlessly...what fun! We don't really argue all that much but when we do go at it it seems we're out for blood. The one thing that really made me mad was not just that she was insulting my best friend, calling me a loser because i don't want to join the damn navy, and raising her voice to an ear piercing screech, but she did all this while i was on the phone with my boyfriend. it just couldn't wait. then when i try to have a decent conversation and drown her out she dared to ask him what he's doing with a loser like me. i love my mom but sometimes she pushes it just a tad bit past the limit. oh well...normal family problems i suppose. angel tried to call me tonight but my mom ran me off the phone. i hope he didn't have anything he really needed to talk to me about. i can't wait till we get our own place together, it will be a lot more saner. whatever that means. chris, my boyfriend, wants me to go meet his family at his house friday. i'm more than a little scared. his dad is a real big bible thumper and i can't imagine his reaction to his misfit son dating a practical buddist. ha! anyway the last time i tried having dinner with a guy's family i was shaking so much the spaghetti noodles kept slipping off my fork, remember that stephen? i laugh at it now but i can't help but wonder if i can't put on a more show of confidence this time.well...i'm extremely tired and johnny-boy is whispering "movie" over her beside me so i guess i'll keep this short so i can enjoy some great jap anime.luvs ya so but ize gotsta go.~Red