inspiration...

"But you're dead inside to me, you're cold and beyond my reach! It is as if I'm not here, beside you. And, not being here with you, i have the dreadful feeling I don't exist at all... I shudder when I'm near you. I look into your eyes and my reflection isn't there....""...you cannot have love and goodness when you do whay you know to be evil, what you know to be wrong. you can only have the desperate confusion and longing and the chasing of phantom goodness in its human form."-anne rice "interview with a vampire""When the agony is all you have left, you dare not give it up. because then you will have nothing at all.""lightning flashes.Blue veins cut across the black belly of brother sky."-kathleen o'neal gear & w. micheal gear "people of the lightning"not enough patience, or too much? not enough compassion for the pressure he was under, or too much compassion and too few demands?""finally, when she could, she choked out the most damning statement of all. 'What i knew...what i know...is that nobody will ever really love me unless i'm perfect.""for somebody who's just an inch deep, there's an awful lot you understand."-emilie richards "prospect street""we are not who we are and what we are in order to get mixed up in things doesn't have any meaning."-david eddings "queen of sorcery"'a hand was dealt in a no-name saloon in '27. local farmer. money centered on the table. cards were shown. guns were pulled from both boot and vest. when the smoke cleared all four were dead, bleeding across the five jacks facing up from the deck. the deaths were ruled and accident.'-jodi thomas 'the widows of wichita county'

here ya go stephen...

:Body:-blondes need not apply...Redheads or Brunettes only. I prefer longer hair, but hey, that's not a picky subject...** well, i've been blonde, red head, and brunette, currently residing in brunette with natural red highlights (yes, i've stopped dying my hair and have my natural color back) but my long hair has chopped off due to navy regulations and boot camp requirements-A girl that's shorter or equal height of me**i definitely fit that description being 4'3 3/4"-somebody that's small enough for my scrawny ass to be able to lift off th'ground**yep, that's me although i have gained 30 lbs. (still can't see it) and now weigh a glorious and healthy 120 lbs.-I want a girl with a figure...i don't have one, so she needs to make up for that**32-24-33:Must:-Dance...if not be good at it then at least be able to learn**well, i'm not really GOOD at dancing but i love to embarrass myself by trying to do so-Is just as much of a dork as i am in regards to wrestling, tv shows, cartoons, and super-heroes**wrestling: HBK, sable bomb, lita, and stone coldtv shows: that 70's show, smallville, angel, gilmore girls, and 7th heavencartoons: X-MEN!!!! old and new, disney movies and dragonballzsuperheroes: SUPERMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and gambit. -Be just as much of an exhibitionist as i am...i'm willin' to show affection anywhere, anytime, any place...i'd expect m'girl to reciprocate that...hell, beat me at m'own game for all i care....** no, sorry. out in public, not my thing. but in a room or someone's house that doesn't mind it or with a close group of friends made up primarily of other couples, can't get enough of it. i have some self-respect and decency-Someone that not only wants my affection, but will demand it if for some reason i'm not giving it** oh yeah, that's me. hell i do that to ya even though we are not dating.-Somebody smart enough to put me in my place, but not such a fuckin' genious i feel like the idiot i have a tendency to be**ummm...i'm smart, i do put you and anyone else in their place, but i might have that tendency to use big words and show off my considerable amount of knowledge that nobody but me really seems to care for.-roughhouse...i'm training to be a Martial-Artist, i want a good sparrin' match, now there's foreplay for you..and rest assured, i'm never going to hurt you....it's not who i am...if i'm gettin' too rough (yeah right, but it could happen i guess), let me know and th'game stops**i'm all for rough-housing. i'll find a way to dominate you, if not in a match...there's other places that my "talents" are unmatchable. *flirty giggle*-Be willin' to let me have what you have...i have no interest in guys, but if m'girl wants to be with a girl, i get to be right there...**if i'm with a guy i'm with that guy, if i'm with a girl, i'm with that girl. relationships are sacred to me and i'm very much a patron for monogamy. i once had a threesome and my boyfriend cheated on me with that girl several times afterwards. so no, i'm not into that. Need Not Apply-Love Massages (Giving and receiving)**i love the love message game...letters, poems, errotic short stories...love it...yes, giving and receiving-Be able to tell me if there's something you want me to do that i'm not doing...i will try as hard as i can, but i'm empathic, not psychic...** yeah, i do that-Like to be Bit...and like to bite back**hehehe: it's absolutely necessary-Leave if i disobey what i call the "Primary Rule"...i will never EVER lay my hand on a woman in anger....but if i ever do...accident or no...leave...no questions..no arguements...just leave...because if i ever do it i could do it again, and you deserve better than that, i don't care who you are, you deserve better...a woman is to be touched, kissed, held, loved, never...EVER....to be hit...**already been in one relationship where the guy left more bruises than hickeys...never again...yeah, i'll leave after i kick your @ss.:Must not:-Smoke**nope-Drink...'least no more than i do**might have a problem there-Do drugs of any kind**no way!!!!-Mind th'fact that i'm a male..i'm gonna look....that don't fuckin' mean that i'm gonna leave....i'm one of th'most loyal motherfuckers on th'planet, but i'm gonna look**hell, i'll look with 'ya.-Try to stand in th'way of my relationship with my friends...i've lived most of m'life without 'em i'm not lettin' 'em go...**no, i never come between friendships intentionally. :Sexual Requirements:-Understand that a woman that is more experienced than me TERRIFIES THE SHIT out of me...i'm in no way confident in my "sexual abilities"...either instruct me, or trick me into thinking that i'm doin' a good job**i'm an expert at faking orgasms by now, don't worry...i can't say i'm experienced enough to be teacher qualified, contrary to popular belief, i haven't been with that many guys. for me....candlewax, you can never go wrong with candlewax.-The fact that i'm an exhibitionist means that i get off on doing "naughty things" in public areas...help me find places that i haven't tried before, and help me find ways for us to have fun while we're theresorry, darling, the whole self-respect thing. i lost my virginity in a park, since then, i've been too ashamed to do anything out in the open. -Games/toys/role-playin' can be a lot of fun...my perfect woman knows this...** hehehe* i would blush if i had it in me to be ashamed of my little fetishes. :Random Bonuses...:-You have to understand that if we're in a party with a lot of blacklight, i'm going to paint my face and possibly at least one arm with highlighters or other various things to glow in the dark...my ultimate woman will not only accept this, but will help me pick out colors so that i mix well**yep, then you have to paint mine up too.-I dance..a lot...and find it extremely romantic to dance in the rain..not only is it sexy (a wet female, always a plus) but a light rain can feel like a thousand kisses all over your body...and rest assured that i will be more than happy to add to that number...**dancing in the rain is the most romantic thing a couple can do. however, it's been spoiled for me. A very special memory resides in my heart therefore i will never dance in the rain with anyone other than him.-As proof of the "dorkiness" that i exhibit with a great many of my interests...be prepared that i'm gonna talk...alot...about tv shows and such...my perfect girl will be talkin' back with me 'bout 'em all...if y'dont' agree w/some of my char.'s, then be prepared to tell me who's better...**Superman Is Better than Spiderman (and Batman)...don't get me started on batman, all he is a man with a good heart, good intentions and enough money to buy interesting lil gadgets. no way is he a superhero. superhero are those with powers beyone average human abilities. having more money than sense, i'm sorry is an average trait among rich people. and spiderman c'mon! how can a man who's been bit by a radioactive spider even begin to compart to my precious superman. ooh ahhh he slings slimy string from his wrists. superman can shoot fire from his eyes! spider boy can scale up any wall, superman can fly! not to mention, he can just pick up the damn building if he doesn't want just leap over it. spiderboy can lift 10 times his weight. superman can flick him and knock him through ten walls. superman is awesome !!!-Be prepared to deal with all of my lil' "personalities"...Me, Angelus, and Nemo...how y'deal w/'em is up to you, but don't treat me like a kid for games that i'm never gonna stop playin'...** i love you, i enjoy pissing angelus off, and i adore Nemo and love that there is always someone who will need me to mother and protect them.

it's me again...

AMANDA: yes, i do take a peek from time to time. i don't want to fight you for or over dan. not right now, anyways. j/k. i don't hold grudges- except against archie, but that's a well-deserved grudge, dare anyone to argue against it. you're still a friend in my book, especially since you're giving me credit as the better dancer.dan and i are doing well where we are. we are able to tackle issue as friends that we failed at pretending didn't exist as a couple. i'm not going to say of dan and i that "we're just friends" because of what that phrase means to me now (yes, another archie reference). but i never LOST hime so there really isn't anything to hold against you. AMBER: i love you. i hope that's enough to get you through all these rough winds knocking you around lately. i'm still here for you. always.STEPHEN: of course i love you too! do you feel like you've been extricated from "the group" too? i just found out that someone tried taking my old nickname of "cookie." yes, i detest that name even if it was dear ole kracker that gave it to me, but it is still mine. the rules are explicitly clear, nobody can take up the name of a former group member. i feel, not just forgotten, but with that "old news" feeling. i have one more person to address. one person whom i know will not receive it, but i have to try. KAT: i am sorry. i never meant to lose you completely, it's all my fault and i'm sorry for all the pain i caused you. i did love you and i still to this day harbor very strong feelings for you in my heart. i miss you so much and i was actually happy to see you that night that i called out to you from my mom's house. it tore me up that you wouldn't even acknowledge my presence. but i couldn't be angry at you. it's all my fault, i did this to us. i'm very sorry.##########################alright-y enough humbleness for one night, ready to transform back to my ice-hearted self. have a big test tomorrow. should be sleeping. oh well, not worried. i miss all y'guys. well, here's what's appearing in my crystal ball... graduating A school Oct 22. i'll move to yorktown, VA that night. then i'll start my C school on my birthday. i'll graduate that school June 25. then i'll move to charleston SC until 28JUL07 then i dunno where they'll place me for a year cuz i'm out 21APR08!!! considering how fast this year is going, it actually doesn't seem that long away. i doubt too many of y'all care, but there's the itenarary for my career.see all y'all on the flip side,~red aka gypsy

hey out there, can anyone here me?

why is chris avoiding me? i'm hearing it's because of link, link-y-poo, you wouldn't be giving our dear lil chris over there an ultimatum are you? i didn't think you were that type of person. but that's what i'm being told. SEVEN MORE DAYS, AND I'LL BE HOME!!! can't wait!! went and saw freddy vs jason monday night. awesome movie (big freddy fan for those who don't know)! i want to go see american wedding but i'm broke. stay that way nowadays. i made so much $$$ as a civilian. now, uh-uh. at least i get free housing, electricity, water, and discounts on about everything. it's almost worth it. nah, i'm not doing too shabby at all. this is a lot of fun. i would try recruiting all 'ya but i honestly don't think you could handle boot camp, i was barely able to m'self and i'm among the stronger ones of the group, if i do say so m'self. besides, if i never joined the navy i'd still be with dan. you lose almost everyone when you put everything on hold to pursue your dreams. (even though that person told you to go)therapy has been helping a lot. i've been a lot happier lately. i still get upset thinking of my ex but i'm almost through with my grieving process. my doc had me write him a letter, it was 18 pages long! i'll never send it, but with his help, i was able to see things that i never did before. like the fact it should have been over the night he tried committing suicide at crystal's house after dropping me off on our first date and going there to plead to get her back. yeah...i changed that night but i'm back to being me. maybe i'll send it to amanda instead...just kidding. the kiddo has to learn for herself, and i have to let her and just be there for her whether she fails or succeeds, right? that would be something of true friendship, eh? her and my ex-fiancee walk down the aisle and i'm there to try catching the bouquet. that would really be ironic.i haven't talked to crystal in almost two weeks, i miss her so much but i'm afraid to call her now. she's not very forgiving. i just got my house phone turned on so now i can call her. i'm proud of m'self. haven't talked to daniel since he and i fought, been a couple of weeks. a few doc visits at the mental ward and half a bottle of antidepressants later and i'm fine, or as close as could be considering how in love with him i've been and how hard i fought for him. i just don't want to fight for him anymore, i may be making the same mistake that stephen made with me, but i think the big mistake occurred a long time ago. karma...i swear if i ever catch her walking down the street, i'm gonna jack her up. if she happens to walking with fate, that's even better. two for one. i say that because amanda did to me what i did to crystal. now i have to be as big of a person as crystal was and forgive her, at least for my sake. atop of that, it's paying me back for a mistake i made a long time ago. had to do with a red headed kim and smooth-talker named lonnie. i was 16, he was 22. sounds familiar huh? kim thought she had him and didn't even see me coming until lonnie took me on a date and didn't even bother to call her and cancel their's. see, i'm really not a nice person. anyway, karma is part of my belief as a buddhist. i have to accept my punishment, learn my lesson, and never make the same mistake again or the next lesson will be even more harsh. so i'll be okay. i have my faith and i'll pick up my head and trudge on even if there is nobody beside me to talk to along the way. i don't need anybody but my family and my best friends anyway. and they'll never leave me (if they would, they'd have done it by now. wouldn't you stephen and amber?) anyway, i'm gonna go now, think i've b!tched enough. love you guys.~Red

today was harsh...

well, i took my test today. it was so hard! i made a 72.9%!!! i couldn't believe it, but considering i missed three out of five lectures, i guess it's just a good thing i passed.i also went to see my psychologist today. he's such a nice guy. he did a psychoanalysis on me and we discovered i'm four points shy from being manic depressive. i go back next week for bi-polar analysis. i always knew i was f*cked in the head, this just proves it. my stress level is skyrocketing though. i have been having muscle spasms in my stomach, a headache that's been attacking me since last wednesday, and i have an ulcer. i'm 18 yrs old and i have an ulcer! so many things are going wrong and i can't fix them. and it's not just dan but my family, stephen, and my secret. i have a lot on my plate, anyone hungry? but i guess there are a few good things going on too. i can't think of any right now but i'm sure they're there. my secret could be considered good but it's still stressful. wanna know something weird? not only do i see the psycho doc twice a week but now i have not one but two different group therapy sessions i have to attend every week. one is to learn to relax and the other is to learn how to behave! nah... he says i have a reliance and dependecy issue where i feel like if everything isn't perfect it's my fault, or i have to fix it. also i have an anxiety control, or lack thereof i have to deal with. the thing that really scares me is that he wants me to bring him some things i've written recently. y'all wanna see?Only No Tears Appear Once alive, my heart did thrive;love at some point had a place. Now since bitten, my heart's been ridden;i've lost love, now life, no trace. Tears of dust, only instinct i trust;a burden much easier, pleasure to bear. A pact with the devil, in comfort i revel;for i am the heartless, darkness my lair.~stacey michelle****************************************************************MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, DEAR?I HATE WHO I AM THESE DAYS.I WAS LOSING ME, USING YOU TO FILL THE SPACE.I NEVER DID FIND THAT SENSE OF PEACE.THE LESSON WAS HARD TO LEARN,BUT EASY TO TEACH.I'M A STRANGER WITHIN MY OWN SKIN.IT'S ONLY LOSS THAT I FIND MYSELF IN.LOOK WHAT WAS SACRIFICED FOR YOU.WHEN HOPE IS GONE, FAITH'S A SORE VIEW.~STACEY MICHELLE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~FrankensteinI only wanted you to love me, do i still not deserve it after all this time? Do you realize, in my mission to obtain your love and your acceptance, I've lost everything that could tempt you to fall in love with me? Now I'm an object of attraction and lust to others but it makes me sick. They don't want me. They want this entity, this mutation of the real me. This creation you've made but take no pride in. Dr. Frankenstien. Close, but not quite. Though I am nothing more than an accident. You do try to hide from me, and I do wish for nothing more than your acceptance of the person you've made me. Every man who loves me from here on out will love your monster. Your creature of shame and rejection.~Stacey Michelle+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Please Love Me In ReturnI'll be there for you as you smile,I'll be there for you as you cry.I'll appreciate you when you're honest,I'll forgive you when you must lie.Every morning you'll awake beside me,At night you'll never wonder where i might be.I'll help build our world beside you,And lay it out before your feet.~Stacey Michelle###################################################################just keep telling yourself that....it's just one more goodbye, and what's one more goodbye when i've said it all my life? it's just one my heart ache, and what's one more heartache when i've felt it all my life? it's just one more tear drop, and what's one more tear drop, when i've cried them all my life? it's just one lonely night, and what's one more lonely night when i've faced them all my life? it's one more, not the first, not the last. merely one more.~stacey michelle^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^what'ch'ya think?~red

update...

well...corpschool is great! i'm doing quite well and i'll be graduating 10 Oct 03. things go by so fast up here that that's not very far away. then i'll be going to yorktown, VA for my c school in optomotry for six months. then i'm going to charleston. neurology wasn't an option but i figured that i could make good money as an optrician and then use the money from my montogomery g.i. bill to put me through med school so i can achieve my dream of being a world-famous neurologist. as for amanda and dan. i would hate dan if i didn't love him so much. he knew i knew he still lied to me about his feelings for amanda, why? he could've better prepared me. and i know he has no respect for me. i asked him not to date her, maybe it was wrong of me, but of all the beautiful, witty, intelligent girls there are down there why did he have to go after a girl best friend loves, and someone that i adored as well? why couldn't he just stay the fuck away from girls i care about? perhaps this make no sense to any of you. amanda,i don't want us to feud and fight. even though you have betrayed me, and don't even deny, i am one to forgive nearly everyone. i am tired of losing people over dan ,and i am upset at your decisions as of late, but i don't want to lose you completely. so if you ever need to talk, even if it's about dan, come to me. hell! i am probably THE person to go to when it comes to him. i won't steer you wrong, i never have, and i am above that. besides, as a child i loved him. after all i've been through in bootcamp i knew, as an adult, i need to look elsewhere. dan's my prince charming but he's not my mr. right. that goes for all of you. just because i'm all the way up here doesn't mean i can't still help you guys.now what....i'm going home for labor day weekend! oh could someone (amanda) pass it on to dan that i need to get all my stuff from his house and his storage compartment. i'll probably do that sunday evening. just let me get everything that belongs to me then he can be through with me forever.love all of you guys,~redoh! almost forgot... my phone got cut off and it won't be turned back on until the 29th so if you want to get ahold of me my email addy is still the same.

In Case You're Wondering

Out of boot-campLove Corp SchoolLove StephenLove CrystalLove my MommyLove Jessi WootenLove DanNot so much love for AmandaStill no love for ArchieAnd Love All The Rest Of You GuysWould LOVE to Hear From All Of You So Here's My Cell Phone Number224-619-6414~Red