Thursday, June 14, 2007
well, yet another day of life
today was boring. but i had to think of james too much. james kristoffer phillips, the love of my short life. i can't bear the fact that he's getting married next month. the thing i hate most is he doesn't love her, well he does because they've grown up together (they're dads are best friends). but they're getting pressured to go through with their parents' wishes. he's getting married, he's getting married, he's get-...'ya know, it doesn't matter how many times i tell myself this, it doesn't seem real. james even told me that he knows it should be me. it SHOULD be me, but it IS her. maybe, once i hear that he has gone through with it and i can't deny it anymore, it will click inside my demented head that he's gone. i love him so much, and i am afraid that facing that fact would be like us breaking up all over again. do you know how hard it is to love one person unconditionally and yet try to give your heart and love to other people? it's funny, i'm never free of the pain, everytime i'm with a new guy i feel like i'm cheating on james, even after four years, yet he's the one getting married! i have to let him go though, for my own mental stability i have to free myself of his power over me. i'm not sure i'm strong or brave enough to do that. without my love for james consuming me, what would i have, what would i be leaving myself open for? i always thought that if i found boyfriends who are so great to me like matt, zach, stephen, dan then i cold get over him or at least forget about him. but it doesn't work like that. i emotionally detatch myself from them and i lie. yes, everytime i say i love you i'm really saying " i love james, but you're distracting me from thinking of him right now and i really appreciate that." (that's with the exception of stephen and dan whom i love as friends.) four years people, that's a long time to be pining for a lost cause. but hopefully, i will find freedom next month. maybe i can convince myself to actually attend that wedding, afterall dawn was a very good friend of mine. maybe seeing the ceremony would shock me into healing. if only it were that simple. that's why i'm glad i'm with chris. he's not rushing into anything, he wants us to take our time, as do i. i don't have to hear "i love you" and feel rotten for either saying it back or not being able to. chris is a great guy, i don't deserve him. he deserves someone who can keep their shit together. i deserve...peace. that's why i almost got married, i thought if i had a ring on my finger then i could be free from james and the whole cycle of pain that comes with dating and love. see, stephen, you never could understand my bitterness on love. i hope you and her don't ever have to live with the pain and loss i bathe in daily. chris, i wish you could see i'm not perfect. i hope you have the patience and tolerance to deal with me until i can get through this with my ex. i hope you know that as angry as i am at james and myself for the way i feel about him, i still hope that i can, someday, years down the road, love you with the same wide-eyed passion that i love him with. nothing would make me happier. and even though i have my hang ups about dan, james, and even bryan, i do have enough common sense to realize all i have within you. i will never jeopardize that. even if james came in right this minute and said "marry me," it would kill me, but i would say no. i already know the pain that all their love costs. i don't want THAT. you make me happy, and THAT is what i want.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
Ah, looks like m'lady Red needs her G.A. to help out...so here goes:"do you know how hard it is to love one person unconditionally and yet try to give your heart and love to other people?"....Do i really have to answer THAT question? You of all people know how much i loved you once upon a time red...hell, yet another reason me and the internet demon never worked out...i was still in love with you, i just couldn't admit it...i was repressin' at the time...and another tidbit of info (don't worry, Nimue already knows this), the first reason i remotely played w/the idea of datin' Nimue was to stop thinkin' 'bout you...that was until a particular friday evenin'...we did the whole mushy "look into each other's eyes" thing, and i knew that i wanted this girl, and oodly enough, she wanted me...you or no you...I honestly didn't know that you harbored these kinda feelin's for James...i thought he was over with and behind ya (figuretively (sp?) o'course). That bein' said, i can only offer ya this advice...people say, "just move on, give it time...it heals all wounds...blah-blah-bliddy-frippin'-blah, i'm so stuffy give me a scone!!!"...truth is Red, the only way to get past the first one is to find one better...i beleive that...Nimue was my ticket to freedom from the Red fever i was plagued with...and it was a first class ticket to so much more....you have that opportunity w/chris...don't you DARE give that up...good luck Red...-Angel
*hugs tightly, and nods* yeah, what he said.it was like that with tim for the longest while... i knew he was absolutely horrible for me, but you know how that first serious relationship always is... but yeah. i can see where you're comin' from. love you dear. and dammit, listen to Angelus on this 'un...^_^
well...um...yeah.i suppose that when you said you wanted input, that pertained to me. (at least i hope so) sorry bout the stalkerness creeping up on you from stephen's and amanda's lives. so if this bothers you, lemme know and ill quit it anytime. no questions asked. promise.but IN THE MEANTIME ^_^i really dont know how much you know about me or if youve read some of my past novelette entries but i dated this "guy" on and off for about damn near 2 years. blah blah love of my frikkin life. id do anything for this freak. id sit there and allow him to emotionally abuse me and tear down my selfesteem. i stuck by him. i knew everything there was to know about him. i was his "best friend". but then one day along the lines of "us" he decided to join the army. and to make a too muther effin long story short, either he changed or i changed. there were months when we would talk and id miss the hell out of him. then he came home on convelesant leave for a month. that was a nightmare. he wsa the same person i knew and could predict and everything but i couldnt stand to be around him. and the fact that i was madly in love with this guy crushed me. he left again and after a few months, i got up with another guy. we began as friends. then became best friends. he would listen to me cry and rant and rave when marcuz and i had a fight or whatever. but this kat, treated me like a bloody angel. he respecte me like i had never known. and by (as stephen would like to call it...findin someone better) i left el assholio. after the initial tears and fears, i felt like a brandnew person. but you know, as all long term relationships go, this person never really leaves your life for the LONGEST time. and a lil while ago i found out that HES gettin married also. i dont know if his situation is worser (hehe sp?) than james' but have a read and lemme know.picture you gettin a phone call one day and having the love of your life tell you that hes falling in love with another girl. BUT hes never met her. she lives in oklahoma (hes in GA and im in jerz) shes the friend of his bunkmate (whom id grown to like but now despise) and hes going to move in with her when he gets out. (theyve discussed it on their 8 hour long conversations while im at school or sleeping. that by the way theyve been having for the whole WEEK hed known her.) but ok...hes found someone else and he EXPECTS you to take it with a gallon of sugar and STILL BE HIS FRIEND. la la la...hes gettin married to her after spengin a couple days with her and going right bck to GA. "*whiney voice* she makes me happy and i make her happy and she said shed never leave me" this man has treated me like shit, made me cry, killed my selfrespect, and yet, how am i still in pain from him chosing someone else? eh love sux that why. but how am i gettin along with ym new person, despite last night cuz it was really all my fualt on that one, perfectly. angel is right and i am living proof. you will not find yourself over him untill youve found someone beter. "someone better, who could be better?" you say? i hope not cuz there is ALWAYS someone better out there. after my recent turn of events and releasment in my life, i am such the advocate of this theory. (jimminy bobbit this is one long ass comment...my extreme apologies...lemme cut this be-otch short)i have hope and all the confidence that you WILL find that better someone in your life. maybe not immediatly, and maybe this guy now, youll learnt to love for his patience and respect him all the more and form that a blossoming love will grow.....or maybe not ~_^ i personally dont think attending the wedding will do anygood to either party. shock may not be the only feeling you get while your there.sadness, lonliness, tears, and anger do not a pleasant woman make. not that im saying yud flip out or anything, but ya know, it may have lasting effects that will take longer to heal then if you hadnt gone.i know i have much more to say, but i think ive deffinatly crossed the line. ill go now. sorry bout the entry long comment. peacers.
well...um...yeah.i suppose that when you said you wanted input, that pertained to me. (at least i hope so) sorry bout the stalkerness creeping up on you from stephen's and amanda's lives. so if this bothers you, lemme know and ill quit it anytime. no questions asked. promise.but IN THE MEANTIME ^_^i really dont know how much you know about me or if youve read some of my past novelette entries but i dated this "guy" on and off for about damn near 2 years. blah blah love of my frikkin life. id do anything for this freak. id sit there and allow him to emotionally abuse me and tear down my selfesteem. i stuck by him. i knew everything there was to know about him. i was his "best friend". but then one day along the lines of "us" he decided to join the army. and to make a too muther effin long story short, either he changed or i changed. there were months when we would talk and id miss the hell out of him. then he came home on convelesant leave for a month. that was a nightmare. he wsa the same person i knew and could predict and everything but i couldnt stand to be around him. and the fact that i was madly in love with this guy crushed me. he left again and after a few months, i got up with another guy. we began as friends. then became best friends. he would listen to me cry and rant and rave when marcuz and i had a fight or whatever. but this kat, treated me like a bloody angel. he respecte me like i had never known. and by (as stephen would like to call it...findin someone better) i left el assholio. after the initial tears and fears, i felt like a brandnew person. but you know, as all long term relationships go, this person never really leaves your life for the LONGEST time. and a lil while ago i found out that HES gettin married also. i dont know if his situation is worser (hehe sp?) than james' but have a read and lemme know.picture you gettin a phone call one day and having the love of your life tell you that hes falling in love with another girl. BUT hes never met her. she lives in oklahoma (hes in GA and im in jerz) shes the friend of his bunkmate (whom id grown to like but now despise) and hes going to move in with her when he gets out. (theyve discussed it on their 8 hour long conversations while im at school or sleeping. that by the way theyve been having for the whole WEEK hed known her.) but ok...hes found someone else and he EXPECTS you to take it with a gallon of sugar and STILL BE HIS FRIEND. la la la...hes gettin married to her after spengin a couple days with her and going right bck to GA. "*whiney voice* she makes me happy and i make her happy and she said shed never leave me" this man has treated me like shit, made me cry, killed my selfrespect, and yet, how am i still in pain from him chosing someone else? eh love sux that why. but how am i gettin along with ym new person, despite last night cuz it was really all my fualt on that one, perfectly. angel is right and i am living proof. you will not find yourself over him untill youve found someone beter. "someone better, who could be better?" you say? i hope not cuz there is ALWAYS someone better out there. after my recent turn of events and releasment in my life, i am such the advocate of this theory. (jimminy bobbit this is one long ass comment...my extreme apologies...lemme cut this be-otch short)i have hope and all the confidence that you WILL find that better someone in your life. maybe not immediatly, and maybe this guy now, youll learnt to love for his patience and respect him all the more and form that a blossoming love will grow.....or maybe not ~_^ i personally dont think attending the wedding will do anygood to either party. shock may not be the only feeling you get while your there.sadness, lonliness, tears, and anger do not a pleasant woman make. not that im saying yud flip out or anything, but ya know, it may have lasting effects that will take longer to heal then if you hadnt gone.i know i have much more to say, but i think ive deffinatly crossed the line. ill go now. sorry bout the entry long comment. peacers.
Red??? Not flip out??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i know how you feel red....
i'd hate you if i didn't love you so flippin much.~redp.s. Just kitten *purr*
So....my Red's got a new admirer huh??? Well then *tryin' to sound all authoritive and stuff* "Halt...identify yourself!!!"-Angel
Post a Comment